outbursts

Discontent

2007-01-17T15:47:00.000-05:00

Fuck winter. Seriously, right in it's freezing fucking ass, fuck winter. There I said it.

Do you have any idea how cold my kitchen and bathroom floors get in the winter? Since the depanneur I happen to live above doesn't keep their heating on overnight, my floors approach temperatures of somewhere around negative eleventy billion on a nightly basis. I'm scared to walk around with wet feet for fear of getting frozen to the floor. The only semi-comfortable thing to do these days is huddle in my bed with a blanket over my head, silently wishing that global warming would just hurry its ass up and come warm my grinchy little heart up just a tiny bit. I don't care if the human race gets eliminated, I don't care if I drown in my own sweat, I don't care if Montreal is obliterated by a tidal wave as the glaciers melt at an alarming rate, just make it be fucking summer again. Somebody, please. I fucking hate winter.

Boo hoo

2006-08-02T22:57:00.000-04:00

My cousin's nagging me about how long it's been since I even looked at my blog so I guess now's a good time to write something. And he wants it to be creative. Which I guess means he wants me to pull something out of my ass at random and write about it.

Have you ever noticed how few depressed black people there are? Are there even any? If you know any depressed black people let me know because I'm this close to classifying Blackus Depressus as an extinct species. It probably has a lot to do with how few black people I know compared to white people, but I still think it's odd that none of them have ever been the depressed type. And I don't even mean seriously depressed, when's the last time you saw a black person crying? Yeah, that's what I thought. But in all seriousness, white people are probably just worse at hiding their emotions or something.

Don't get me started on white people (too late). White people are some of the whiniest fuckers on this planet. Boo hoo, I work in a dead-end job. Boo hoo, I have a sunburn. Boo hoo, Jacob doesn't blog anymore. Shut the fuck up. I'm way too busy being miserable over my dead-end job to blog for your entertainment. You know who you are.

On the subject of jobs: I'm a cook now. I make 9.50 an hour. I work the evening shift which means my days basically consist of a work-sleep-work-sleep cycle. Yes, I am miserable. No, I don't want to talk about it.

Yo Quiero Drugs

2006-05-04T04:54:00.000-04:00

So there I am watching the Daily Show and out of nowhere I hear that Mexico is about to legalize possession of small amounts of drugs. And by drugs of course, I mean the ones that you know are bad for you, but you do them anyway because you like how they make you feel when you're on them. You know the ones I mean. I was all like, "Drugs? Legal? What the fuck!? Sign me up!" and so forth, but before I could even pack my sombrero it turns out the Mexican president decided not to sign the bill after all, due mainly to pressure from the United States. So not only is he a pussy for backing down, he's also an asshole for getting everyone's hopes up in the first place.

The biggest complaint coming from the US was that such a move would have "increased drug tourism". There's already a decent amount of drug tourism between Mexico and the United States (cheap tequila, anyone?), but I guess nobody gives a shit due to the double standard society in general has towards drugs and alcohol. They even call it "drugs and alcohol" as if alcohol wasn't already a drug. Anyway, here's an example of the amount of drugs people would be legally allowed to possess:

Up to 5 grams of marijuana
Up to 25 milligrams of heroin
Up to 5 grams of opium
Up to 500 milligrams of cocaine
Up to 200 milligrams of MDMA or MDA (ecstasy and a similar chemical compound)
Up to .015 milligrams of LSD (good luck weighing that out)
Up to a gram of mescaline
Up to a kilogram of peyote
Small amounts of some lesser-known drugs I'm not going to bother listing.

This basically means that someone heading out for a night on the town with just enough drugs for themselves to use could do so without fear of getting busted by "the man". In fact, most of those drugs are commonly purchased in amounts larger than what would have been made legal. Not to mention that the bill would not have made the sale of these drugs legal, only possession. So you still can't legally sell or buy them, but you won't get in shitloads of trouble for getting caught with laughable amounts of them on you.

I believe this would have allowed the cops in Mexico to waste less time arresting people for smoking a joint or two and spend more time on cracking down on the cartels that run the drug trade in their country. I don't know much about the cartels but they're apparently a pretty big problem down there. Of course, we might never get to see the effects (both positive and negative) this kind of legislation would have brought on a country since that fucking pansy Fox decided to back down on it. I think it would have been interesting to at least TRY a new approach towards illegal drug use, since prohibition failed with alcohol so long ago and is now proving itself ineffective towards other drugs. I would have liked to see if Mexico would erupt into a frenzy of rampant crime, unemployment and violence, like what I've been led to believe would happen in a country without an oppressive drug policy. For the meantime, you can always try to bribe Mexican police if you get caught with drugs. I've heard that has a pretty high success rate.

Personally, I think I'll just stick to not acting like a total fucking retard when I do drugs. This plan seems to be working so far; I do an above-average amount of drugs, yet the only time I've ever had any sort of encounter with the police was over domestic dispute issues caused almost entirely by alcohol, the LEGAL recreational drug. Go figure.

I'd like to mention one more time that the president of Mexico is a jerk. Fuck you, gringo. For like ten minutes Mexico was the coolest country on the planet and you had to go and ruin it.

Dear d34dpuppy:

2006-02-17T17:56:00.000-05:00

I'm not dead, dude. I'm hibernating. I don't know where you happen to live but over here it's fucking FREEZING outside, so I spend most of my time curled into a fetal position desperately trying to conserve enough body heat to last till spring. Since you refuse to let sleeping streaks lie, I might as well give you some sort of an update.

The non-disclosure agreement I signed prevents me from getting into the details, but I can tell you that my job isn't as awesome as it used to be. I'm now testing a game with so little actual gameplay in it that if gameplay were white people the game would be called Harlem. I don't think my vocabulary contains enough adjectives to describe how boring this so-called game gets sometimes. It's still the best job I've ever had but it's not ahead by as much as it used to be.

I've been watching a lot more tv lately. So much, in fact, that the last thing I expected to happen has happened.

I found a commercial I kind of sort of like. Most commercials make me want to drop a brick on somebody's fucking head so badly that I might have to avoid watching them alone because I don't want to accidentally take my rage out on myself. Fuck, I hate commercials. Except for this one commercial for something called McCain Smooth-eez. There's this kid sitting on the floor building a model or something and his parent walks into the room and accidentally steps on it. The face the kid makes looking up at his parent for a split seconds gets me every time, man. Every time. He just looks so... crushed. I couldn't give two shits about McCain, or Smooth-eez, or any combination of the two, but that kid actor gets props for cheering me up when I need it.

The sentence you're currently reading is about to sum up absolutely everything I know about the winter olympics going on in Torino, Italy, in which Canada has 8 medals as of right now. This impressive wealth of knowledge comes from glancing at newspaper headlines, and not much else. In conclusion, winter olympics = boring.

Guess what, I just looked it up and Canada has 11 medals right now, not 8. So there you go. Like I said, boring.

wasting some time at work

2006-01-03T12:21:00.000-05:00

2 hours of sleep
No breakfast
Painful cough and stuffy head
Room full of computers and video game consoles raising temperature to crazy, untolerable levels

It's fucking hot in here and I'm starving. My eyes are starting to hurt and I can't stop coughing. I think I may have given the guy in front of me whatever disease my friend gave me. My feet hurt. Back, too. Did I mention it's hot in here? Christ. If this place can afford to pay me to play games they should be able to splurge on some air conditioning. Yeah, I'm aware it's January. This place is like an oven with all the electronics in here.

Other than that, though, it's all good. My food just got here so I'm gonna go do whatever it is people usually do with their food. I think it might involve some form of eating.

Merry Non-Denominational Winter Holiday

2005-12-25T17:22:00.000-05:00

Apparently there's somewhat of a hissyfit being thrown by certain fundamentalists over the war being waged against their annual celebration of Jesus' birth, also known as Christmas. Seeing as how Jesus died for the sins of humanity and went to live with his old man in heaven about two thousand years ago, these people are taking it upon themselves to ensure that his name will forever be used to sell decorations and toys.

Someone explain something to me. First, Jesus was all like "Get that commercialism shit out of this temple or I'll flip out and cast you out myself." and people seemed to think that was a good idea. The house of God is no place for consumerism and capitalism. This part makes sense to me. Don't mix people's faith with consumerism, as it will most likely end up in the exploitation of the masses.

Somewhere between then and now, it became tradition to celebrate this man's birth by buying eachother presents. This, in and of itself, isn't too bad. Christianity (to the best of my knowledge) puts a lot of emphasis on giving to those in need, so I can see how the gift-giving part of this holiday still falls within Jesus' teachings. Spend time and money on others, to make them happy. Of course, the gifts don't necessarily go to those in need, but those who are important to us, so there's already some discrepancy. Reasonable, though, seeing as how buying presents for our loved ones is hard enough. Imagine trying to please total strangers.

I have absolutely no clue how Santa Claus began to tie into all of this, but I like to think that he was created to let non-Christians get in on the fun. Don't practice the same religion? No problem, just invent a fat man in a red suit to keep the kids entertained, and buy eachother presents all the same. Everybody's happy.

Now, the confusion kicks in when I hear people claiming that not celebrating this holiday is equal to waging a war against it. There is a war being waged against a religious holiday, but the biggest complaint I keep hearing is that the phrase "Happy Holidays" is slowly replacing "Merry Christmas". There are people boycotting stores because they use "Happy Holidays" in their commercials. People actually think those two words are going to destroy the foundation of their solemn tradition.

Hey, dumbasses. First, your messiah tries to seperate materialism and religion. Then, over the next two thousand years, materialism becomes a large part of your biggest religious holiday. After realizing that even Jesus Christ himself couldn't take the materialism out of religion, people begin to try to take the religion out of materialism instead. It seems to me that if I were a Christian, I'd be happy to see companies removing my savior's name from their commercials. Why not let others buy eachother gifts and spread good will and all that crap without using religion to sell stuff? Wait, what am I thinking. Instead of letting people do whatever they want during the holidays, why don't you get offended if people don't use the correct terminology to express good will. While you're at it, why not fight to get your messiah's name used to sell as many different products as possible? We all know how happy Jesus would be to come back to Earth and see that his birthday is celebrated by lining up in crowded stores and comparing gifts. He'd also like to see people acting like crybabies because "Happy Holidays" doesn't acknowledge him. We all know how much Jesus hated it when the house of God began to resemble a bazaar, so why not boycott the companies who refuse to associate Christ's name with the annual explosion of consumerism that Christmas has become these days?

The above refers to a very select group of people, though. Otherwise, I don't celebrate Christmas because I never got into it that much. I don't really have much of an explanation besides the religious aspect not applying to me at all and the traditional side of it not having much appeal to me.

I also never understood the hatred for socks. The few lackluster Christmases I remember involve receiving yet another book or board game or toy while my socks resemble swiss cheese at a firing range. Just a few good pairs of socks that could last me more than a month would have probably improved my opinion of Christmas in general substantially.

Note: I realize a lot of this particular blog is probably based on assumptions about Christianity and Christians in general, and probably doesn't apply to 99% of the people out there. In fact I'm pretty much talking out of my ass most of the time because the truth is I have absolutely no idea of the real origins of Christmas, both the religious version and the traditional version. I guess you could say I'm ranting about things that don't concern me at all. Furthermore, I'm a greedy bastard who doesn't enjoy spending large amounts of money on loved ones. This may bias my opinion in some way. Also, Christmas sucks.

You're jealous.

2005-12-14T17:43:00.000-05:00

So this company called Babel Media is going to be paying me eleven dollars an hour to play videogames all day then tell them what went wrong while I was playing said videogames. Eleven dollars an hour to PLAY GAMES and WRITE STUFF. And if I happen to do more than forty hours a week of playing games and writing stuff, my overtime hours are worth sixteen bucks an hour.

They're going to pay me to play videogames and write stuff down! Little do they know that's what I usually do for FREE!

This new job only starts on Monday so in the meantime here's a little story about my current job as a market research interviewer. In case you can't figure it out, my job involves dialing phone numbers and asking people if they want to spare ten minutes to answer some mind-numbingly repetitive and redundant market research questions.

I called this one number the other night and start off with our oh-so-convincing intro paragraph. "Yes good evening, my name is Jacob and I'm calling from Impact Research concerning a market research study. I'd like to know if you have about ten minutes to answer some market research questions with me over the phone at this time." Rather than the usual "I thought I told you guys last week I don't care for market research, stop calling this number", the guy on the other end of the line starts with "Well I'm sort of busy right now but if you give me your home number I'll call you later and we can talk for a bit."

This was the first time somebody had tried to mess with me, and I was sort of proud that it was coming from a Montreal number. Just goes to show how much better we are than you (assuming you don't live in Montreal. If you do, keep on rocking, friend). So of course I'm not going to sit there and stammer like someone who's not from Montreal, I'm going to mess around just as much with this guy as he's trying to mess with me.

"Well man I'd love to give you my number and all but I don't see what good it would do seeing as how the computer I need to take your answers down with is in the office and not at home. If you want I can just write your number down and call it from home and we can talk all you want though." This must be just as good as him getting my number and calling me, right? I mean, I already have his phone number so why not just call him myself if he wants to talk so badly?

He must not have thought this was a good idea because he once again insisted I give him my number. You see, not only do I sort of not have a phone number (the phone in the house is my cousin's cell phone) but I didn't expect him to call me anyway. So I told him, "Actually, I'm homeless and didn't want to admit it if I didn't have to. That's why I'm working this terrible job. Can we call you back at another time though?"

He either didn't feel sorry for me at all or realized I was quite obviously joking, because he then told me "Oh, you're homeless? Sucks. Anyway I'm actually only robbing this house so don't call back because I won't be here." So this guy thinks he's a comedian or something.

I tell him: "Okay well if you're robbing the place can you leave at least one phone so that when I call back the owners will have a phone to answer?" The last thing I heard before I hung up was him going "NO DAMMIT DON'T CALL BACK!"

But that's all in the past especially seeing how I'm about to start getting paid to play games and write stuff.

Check this out

2005-11-28T05:28:00.000-05:00

This is the door in my bedroom.

This is where the magic happens.

My dresser doesn't fit in this new room, so I had to make due with the space I had.

And this is the back wall.

I'd type up something interesting here but I'm sort of in a rush to get to bed so good night.

Oh, and I'm aware of the various spots where I fucked up. I'll fix them soon.

Eric

2005-11-04T19:58:00.000-05:00

Saturday night. So there I am sitting on the 207, right? On my way to a friend's house for a party. I'm sitting towards the back of the bus and I vaguely notice a black guy get on the bus and sit in the back, but just out of my sight. Ten minutes later the guy decides he wants to get to know me better and comes and sits next to me.

Okay, stop. Now I know I said "next to" me but it was really more of a combination of "next to" and "on top of". His left leg was pressed firmly against mine and he was leaning in towards me. I immediately look him right in the eye to see if he's trying to get my attention or something. So after three seconds of direct eye contact without him saying anything and still pressing his leg against me, I take it upon myself to inquire into his intentions.

"What the fuck are you doing?" What can I say, I like to get to the point.

He stares directly at me for another second or two before managing to mumble out, "Uh, wait, you're not a girl?" HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

I take a moment to ponder the infinitely complex question this African-American stranger has put forth to me. After a few moments of intense calculation and reasoning the best answer I can come up with is "Ummm, no." This answer seemed to arouse my new friend, as the next thing I see him doing is flicking his tongue at me. Okay, things are getting fucking creepy now. I guess my vacant/confused stare triggered something in this guy's head that something about the situation wasn't right, because he then went about trying to double-check everything we've went over so far.

"Are you sure?" Fucking Christ. Yeah, buddy, I'm sure. I mean, I was a guy last time I checked but who knows what's changed since then so let me just stick my hand down my pants and make sure just for you. It's around this point I start to figure things out and ask the first relevant question of the night. "Are you like really drunk or something?" He shakes his head no. "Did you take something?" He shakes his head yes. PROGRESS! Now you might think after being asked if you've taken something, you might just figure it out to tell the person what it was. But no, I had to ask him. "What did you take?" Finally it fucking comes out that this guy is tripping on mushrooms. I politely inform him that he should have told me that from the beginning as it would have made for an overall less awkward situation. Then I realize that he thought I was a girl at first and was trying to hit on me, so he's either lying about being on mushrooms or he's tripping pretty fucking hard. He was also still pressing up against me and he did look sort of out of it so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

During the course of the bus ride I got his name and e-mail address so I can talk to him online and see if he remembers any of it. Eric also invited me to his house for his mom's cooking somewhere along the way. I declined.

Anyway the 207 brings us to Fairview Terminus where I have to go take another bus to get to my friend's house. I sit on a planter to wait for the bus and lo and behold Eric comes to wait at the same spot. As I'm sitting down he stands in front of me and presses his kneecaps against mine and leans in towards me. Of course in any other situation, an older guy who I just met actively pursuing physical contact would scare the shit out of me, but who knows what the fuck goes through your head when you're tripping so I let him have his fun. He does this for about a minute before getting bored and sitting down in between me and this girl who's talking on her cell phone while waiting for the bus.

Seeing as how I only met him minutes ago I don't really pay him much attention while he's sitting next to me. He's no longer hitting on me or touching me so I take advantage of the situation by zoning out and staring into space like I often do while waiting for the bus. That is, until I hear the girl who was sitting on the other side of Eric asking, "Excuse me? Hello? Were you talking to me? What did you just say?" I look over and surprise surprise Eric is staring directly into her eyes mumbling something about "hi what's your name your lips are real shiny".

For a split second I thought of letting her deal with him on her own. I could chose to pretend to not know him, do absolutely nothing and eavesdrop on what I am sure is going to be the most hilariously awkward conversation I've ever eavesdropped on. Of course this master plan is ruined when I remember that Eric was just pushing up against me right next to this girl. She must think we are here together and will probably either end up asking me what's going on with my friend anyway.

Actually, about my "friend". You might be wondering exactly how he was acting. I mean, he was obviously acting weird enough for me to notice something was up but I had the benefit of being mistaken for a girl as a red flag. It's not the first time it's happened, mind you, but when he sat down right fucking next to me and looked me in the face and asked me "Are you sure?" it kind of clicked in my head. Other than that, though, the first thing you'd notice about him was the way he'd stare vacantly while talking. He wasn't violent or jumpy or hyper or anything like that, but rather too mellow and relaxed to take seriously. Oh, and he also had a tendency to lean in towards you just a little too close for comfort. He was able to answer questions without going on rants about the cosmic intergalactic uniqueness of our entity that is linked by all living beings and blah blah blah so there was very little indication that he was intoxicated, let alone on a hallucinogen. By the way he had told me he took "three big caps" of mushrooms at an afterhours near Berri-UQAM metro. We were now at Fairview Terminus and he was by himself the entire time. He also told me he was 26. Make of that what you will.

After a short staring contest with Eric, the girl looks at me as if to say "what the hell is going on please save me with your gigantic, rippling muscles" so I explain the situation as best I can. "Don't look at me, I just met him five minutes ago. He said he was on mushrooms." Well what do you know, she doesn't really believe me so I have to spend the next five minutes telling the first half of this story five minutes after it happened. Eric fills in the gaps in my story by staring and nodding in agreement. The girl tells us she's done mushrooms before and can sort of understand so she was pretty cool with it. Anyway Eric leaves to go take his bus and the girl tells me that she had seen us pushing our legs together so she figured we were a couple. Then, upon closer inspection we're both guys so she figures we're gay. Then Eric decides to start hitting on her so she figured we were swingers or something. Once I told her he was on mushrooms she thought we were playing a joke on her. And I think I forgot to mention that while Eric was there she was explaining the situation to her boyfriend who was on the phone as I was explaining it to her.

I then proceeded to go to the party and tell this story several times over the course of the night. Now I never have to tell it again.

blah blah blah

2005-10-20T18:59:00.000-04:00

Yes, I'm still alive. Yeah, I'm aware I've barely been blogging. It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that all this procrastinating I've been doing lately is really getting in the way of, well, pretty much everything else I've been doing lately. Make of that what you will.

First things first, I quit my job at the shithole. Oops, I mean dollarstore. This decision was primarily based on two specific facts:

Fact 1: I'm moving soon and don't feel like taking the metro every day to work. I'd much rather find another job somewhere closer to where I'm going to be staying.

Fact 2: I was working at the fucking dollarstore.

And the restaurant I was washing dishes at on the weekend is closing until springtime, which puts me into the "unemployed" demographic once again. I saved up what will hopefully be enough money to last me until I get another job, but this time the pressure is on because I actually have rent to pay now. At the moment I'm sort of in between two addresses, but once I get a truck to haul all my stuff over there, I'm going to be living with my cousin near the Plateau in Montréal. For those of you unfamiliar with the Plateau, it's like downtown and a rich residential area fucked and the Plateau popped out, only with more hippies and a big fucking mountain right in the middle.

Anyway, painting my room is taking much longer than I had expected (this is mainly due to previously mentioned chronic procrastination) but once it's done I'll finally be out of this sketchy neighborhood and in a somewhat sketchier neighborhood. Oh well. No amount of sketchiness is going to stop me from getting out of this goddamn house.

Well that's enough blabbing about me for a while. I'd like to blab about something else for a bit. For example: What the FUCK is up with all these hurricanes? It's like every time I turn on the news another expert is shitting their pants over the next storm that's going to whoop the Gulf Coast's proverbial ass. First, Katrina comes and destroys New Orleans like it was some kind of five-year-old's sandcastle I smashed at the beach last summer. Then, Mother Nature gives America just enough time to blame Michael Brown before hurricane Rita comes out of fucking nowhere and pulls the same shit again. And now there's Wilma, showing up late to the party but making up for it by being the strongest one so far.

Now I know this is a horrible tragedy for most of the people affected by it, and to laugh at them during their moment of need would be pointlessly rubbing their faces in it. But I also know I'd be a liar if I said I didn't snicker when I first heard New Orleans had been turned into Atlantis. I mean, it's no secret that I don't care much for America. Note that I said America, and not Americans. America is a country, Americans are just human beings that had the misfortune of being born in America. So when America gets put in its place by something that nobody has any control over, I'm happy.

About a week or two after Katrina hit I was watching TV and a commercial comes on raising money for hurricane victims. No big deal, just a concerned organization trying to help out those who need it. Then somebody had to run their mouth and include something in the commercial about "together, we can prove human nature is stronger than Mother Nature". Oh really? I was under the impression that the people who thought that in the first place are the ones that now need rescuing from their rooftops after Mother Nature coughed in their general direction. If human nature is stronger then why isn't there a hurricane death toll? Where are all the organizations trying to raise money for hurricanes damaged by American buildings? That's right, there are none because Mother Nature could kick humanity's ass without even trying. They should have just said "human nature is stronger than God" as long as they were going to start claiming superiority over fictional characters that represent the unexplained and unpredictable.

Speaking of unpredictable, I predict another terrorist attack in the states sometime before Bush's presidency ends. With the country spending tons of money left and right trying to rebuild a city on this side of the world and trying to finish a liberation/war/constitution/democracy/etc on the other side, the terrorists would have to be pretty ignorant to not realize this would be a great time to strike. Since I know someone out there will misinterpret what they just read as me condoning and/or inciting terrorism, I'd like to point out that from a terrorist's point of view, it would make sense to attack soon. Not to mention that Bush is less liked every day, meaning any retaliation to an attack would be highly criticized and most likely somewhat lackluster due to lack of two crucial elements: public support and good old bling-bling.

I feel sort of like an idiot ranting about things that don't concern my country at all, but can you really blame me? If I was to write about all the exciting things that happen in Canada... well then I wouldn't be writing about very much now would I? Oh yeah, I went there. The closest Canada has had to a disaster lately is a plane going off the runway in Toronto, and nobody even died. Not even one old fart who couldn't handle the suspense and croaked of heart failure. Nothing. Canada is so boring we have to watch other country's news and get outraged because our own news puts us to sleep.

Okay well I'm getting tired of typing now so I'm gonna go somewhere else for a while.

Hooray for nature

2005-09-01T12:17:00.000-04:00

I went to the Biodome last Sunday. Here are some pretty pictures. Enjoy.

Not pictured: Several dozen out-of-focus shots of various animals, at least ten closeups of my hand because I don't know how to use a camera, a fourteen dollar plush snake I bought during a drug-induced moment of spontaneity, Pauly Shore.

I like money

2005-07-23T22:07:00.000-04:00

As some of you may already know, I got a job a month and a half ago. Please, save your applause until I'm done. A little explanation is in order here.

Last year I took Computer Science at Dawson College. I was pretty psyched to be going to college for three years to study computers after putting up with the five years of bullshit and bare minimum academic self-application known throughout the world as "high school". Pretty psyched until I realized it was more or less a more complex version of high school but with many more people and that computer science was, in fact, really fucking boring.

Sure, I might enjoy playing videogames and browsing the internet a little more than the average person. Sure, I've been to around a dozen or so LAN parties, in which anywhere from dozens to hundreds of like-minded geeks gather for a weekend to play network games and swap porn while keeping their personal hygiene to a bare minumum. Sure, I'd probably throw myself out of the nearest window if I was ever forced to live without a computer. Imagine my surprise when my computer lab becomes one of the last places I want to be. Sometime during exams in December I get the brilliant idea to just stop going to school. No calling the school to let them know. No backup plans. No bothering to go in and at least finish the semester so if ever I decide to return I have some credits already accounted for. Just no more school.

Looking back on it now it was probably the most immature and unprepared way of dealing with things I could have chosen, but I'll be damned if I can do anything about it now. Anyway, from December up until June I pretty much laid around the house, occasionally going outside to confirm that there still was an outside. I told a lot of people I was looking for a job but in reality I was hoping that a job was looking for me while I took it easy.

Just over a month ago I got really tired of not having any money, which as we all know, implies not having any fun. I handed out a bunch of CVs in my neighborhood and lo and behold, I'm now an official employee of Dollarama Inc. In case you don't know, Dollarama is a large chain of dollarstores in Canada. Of course, being a multi-million dollar corporation and all, they pay us minimum wage to do the work that nobody in their right mind would ever want to do if they really had a choice. But seeing as how I'm a seventeen-year-old dropout with just enough French to get by at a retail job and very little motivation to make the world a better place or stay in school long enough to learn how to do so, I can't really complain.

Wait. Yes I can.

First complaint: customers. Working at a dollarstore in Verdun (residential, relatively low-class, mainly French neighborhood in Montreal) has made me the slightest bit jealous of corporate slaves who sit in a cubicle all day long. I mean, sure, they're essentially trapped in a prison designed to look like an office, but at least they don't have to interact with the general public. Whether it's the crazy-looking hippie type that asks me where a certain item is, then complains to me that we don't have it until I apologize and make a run for it, then walks up and down the aisles muttering to herself under her breath, or the fat, slightly inbred-looking forty-something year old man wearing a wifebeater and cutoff shorts that cut off somewhere near where the top of my boxers would be that reeks of alcohol and cigarettes no matter what time he's in the store, the customers at a dollarstore aren't exactly the kind of people you enjoy interacting with. To be fair, not everyone that shops at dollarstores are crazy or stinky or scary, but the normal ones are the ones that don't need any help finding what they're there for. The only way I can deal with the customers is by convincing myself that the more of them that I have to put up with, the happier I will be when I eventually get a job somewhere where the average IQ of the clientele is higher than the tax rate.

In addition to the crazies that speak French or English, there's the customers that barely speak a word of either. They might be crazy as well for all I know, but I have enough trouble trying to figure out what they're saying let alone judging their IQ. I don't hold it against them that they don't know very much English or French, but when they get frustrated that I can't understand what they're saying, I start to get annoyed. The sounds coming out of their mouths barely resemble a language to me, let alone one I understand, and they get visibly angry when I can't keep up. Like the old couple that, after I had to figure out how to explain to them that the store was closed (pointing to your wrist seems to be universal for this), starts trying to have a conversation with me in Colombian. Unfortunately I don't know how to say "Please leave me alone and never speak to me again" in Colombian, so I was limited to fake smiles and nodding my head, followed soon after by walking in the immediate direction of "away".

I'm usually the one who sweeps the floors before closing up, which I don't mind that much. Sweeping by itself is no big deal, but seeing how much garbage people leave on the floor is. Apparently the floor of the store resembles a garbage can to most people, hence the tons of receipts and empty coffee cups and chocolate bar wrappers and cigarette butts all over the place at the end of the day. Just once I'd like to meet someone whose idea of cleaning up after themselves isn't limited to "put your garbage where it's someone else's problem as opposed to yours". And not only do they empty their own pockets onto the floor, they come in and take items off the shelves, then decide they don't want to spend their hard-earned dollar on it and put it back somewhere else in the store. Is it that fucking hard to walk back to wherever you picked it up and put it back? Why must you take chocolate bars from the food aisle and put them in the candle aisle? Spoons in the school aisle? Batteries next to the tuna fish? Don't you realize this takes away from the amount of time I have to help you find your spray bottle or curtain rod or video cassette or whateverthefuck it is you're too busy to just look for yourself?

When I'm not being harassed by customers or cleaning up after them, I'm either in the back doing inventory or placing boxes in the aisles so the other employees can place the items in them on the shelves. At all times, Dollarama plays the radio over the store's PA system to help soothe our nerves and give us something to listen to while we slave away. Did I say soothe our nerves? Because I meant to say drive us absolutely fucking insane by playing the same five or six songs over and over and over and over and over until Jacob slashes his wrists with his exacto knife and welcomes the sweet embrace of death.

Two days ago I did the improbable and went out and got myself a second job on the weekends. Now after reading this blog you might be asking yourself, why on Earth would I do such a thing? Why would I purposely go out and get another job which will just exhaust myself even further and take away the few free hours I still have per week? What possible good could that serve? Am I a fucking idiot or somethi-

2005-05-30T19:53:00.000-04:00

TAKE THAT, ANN COULTER

Yawn.

2005-04-29T09:49:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one who wishes biological clocks came with an instruction manual? I find it's way too easy for my biological clock to get out of sync, but incredibly hard to try and reset it. For a few weeks I've been going to sleep around five in the morning and waking up at five in the afternoon. I'm starting to think my biological clock has some sort of factory defect or something. Falling asleep is like some sort of challenge to me. I lie awake in bed for an average of about two hours per night, and if I try to get to bed by a decent hour I'll just lie there until the sun comes up and sleep through the entire day.

Which brings me to today. I should be asleep right now, but I'm forcing myself to pull an all-nighter so I can get to sleep at a decent hour later tonight. I'm really only writing this blog because it's something to do in the meantime that will keep me awake. I'm highly considering riding the metro around the city for a few hours just because I know it would force me to stay awake. It's sort of a shame that I'm only writing here because there's really nothing else to do, but on the other hand at least I'm writing something. I haven't written much lately, but don't think it's because I don't have anything to say. If anything, it's because I have too much to say. If I were to write down everything that goes through my head I'd never get ANY sleep.

As long as I'm here I might as well say a few things. First off, what's all this I've been hearing about gays not deserving the right to adopt kids? Is this some sort of twisted joke that I'm not in on or something? Just watching a politician openly saying that gays and bisexuals shouldn't be allowed to adopt children with a straight face makes me sick to my fucking stomach. I'm absolutely speechless, in fact. I'd like to state a list of reasons why they should be allowed to, but I don't even see the point in doing so. I honestly cannot understand how anyone could truly think that a person's sexuality should determine their rights. Writing the last three sentences took at least ten minutes because I can't even choose the right words to express myself.

Fuck it. I'm not even going to bother. Just thinking about the pure idiocy and hypocricy of some people makes me want to cry my eyes out. The fact that there are people on this planet who actually believe some of the bullshit they spew under the pretense of being tolerant and caring baffles me beyond words. Knowing that these people are so dedicated to their prejudice that nothing I say will phase them puts me in such a terrible mood that I don't even want to bother any more.

Anyways. Lately I've been getting tons of junk mail from internet vigilantes who thought subscribing my e-mail address to a bunch of newsletters would demonstrate the error of my ways. Congratulations, you've made me spend an extra five seconds checking off a box and clicking "Delete". I will never, ever make fun of anyone again. You've sure showed me a lesson I won't soon forget.

It hasn't been all bad, though. I've received quite a few complimentary e-mails and comments and I'd like to let you know that I appreciate them all. It's always good to have proof that there are others like me who aren't so stuck up on being politically correct and can have a laugh at other people's expense every once in a while. Yes, it is fun to laugh at those who are less fortunate than ourselves. I'm not saying you should make a habit out of it, but I'm not going to jump down your throat when you eventually do it. A lot of people like to argue the fact that I wouldn't like it if others laughed at my misfortune. And you know what, maybe I wouldn't. But that's why it's called misfortune. It sucks. Part of it being misfortune is the fact that people are going to laugh at you. Actually, there's probably nobody on this planet that makes more fun of me than I do. Accepting the fact that others will get a small amount of pleasure from your displeasure makes life a lot easier to go through. I highly recommend it.

Speaking of complimentary e-mails:

I am a 53 year old "Mother" from Texas. Would you marry my 21 year old daughter? She may need to live in Canada when the US gets the draft again. I really enjoyed Terri's Blog. If I need a Blog about me or any other family member, I will contact you. RK

Assuming this isn't a joke, which it most likely is:
Sure, I'll marry your daughter. As soon as you explain to me why your daughter would have to dodge the draft. Maybe it's the same reason you put "mother" in quotation marks? Sorry, I don't swing that way. But at least if I did, I'd have the right to adopt a kid where I live. Whoops. I wasn't supposed to mention that again. There goes my blood pressure.

Well, this has taken up about an hour and twenty minutes which is long enough for me. Before I go I'd like to mention that Michael Jackson was damn sexy back in his prime. He might be a scary, boy-hungry waxface now, but back when he was still black he was the shit, there I said it.

It's about time.

2005-04-01T18:49:00.000-05:00

In case you haven't already heard, Terri's status has finally been changed from Basically Dead to Dead. I'd like to think that with her passing away we'd be hearing the last of it but now that she's a martyr I don't think that's going to happen.

It really is a shame that despite the cold hard truth that every living thing must someday die, there are people that just can't deal with the concept of death and choose instead to cling to anything they can pass off as life.

Rest in peace, Terri.

Durrrrr

2005-03-31T03:27:00.000-05:00

You are a fucking asshole that needs to be castrated and burned alive because that's the only kind of living you deserve you low life bag of shit. I am glad they took her off the tube, and those religious assholes can shove it but you are more infuriating then even Tom Delay. I know you will find enjoyment from recieving these kinds of comments, I just wanted to remind you that you ARE the scum of the earth.

it really worries me that there are people like you fucking morons in existence. too bad i believe that all human life is sacred, because if i didn't i swear i'd get rid of as many of you inconsiderate bastards as possible. you're all bigger wastes of air and space than teri schiavo is, i'll tell you that much. find a better use of your time than making fun of a brain damaged, suffering woman...or burn in hell for all eternity. hey kids, your choice

yall are some fucked up people, making fun of a crippled person, espcially the jackass who created this blog

You guys think you are funny making fun of her, Fuck you retarded assholes, whoever write this website is probably live in a retarded house or will be,

If this website is an indicator of the state of society, then humanity is done for. Enjoy mocking the death of a fellow human being while you can. When it's your turn to meet your Maker, I can only hope that you will not be shown the same heartless, soulless lack of respect for human life that you have displayed here.

Terri has more brain activity than the sick creep that started this blog.

You fucktards that leave comments, degrading Terri, I have one wish for you, that being, you suffer the same fate with one of children. You are nothing but cowardly, moronic, imbeciles, who have the bad taste of breathing the same air as her. Easier solution for you all is go and commit suicide then the world would truely be rid of useless humans.

I am DISGUSTED by the sarcasm and ridicule of the blog. The blogger claims to support her, yet is making fun of her, ridiculing her. The author of this post should go to hell!

HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT ONLY WANT TO KILL SOMEONE, BUT ALSO IS LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF AT THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE DYING! EVEN IF IT WERE FOR SOMETHING GOOD I WOULDN'T BE LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF AT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

I guess some people just can't take a joke.

Why won't you die already

2005-03-25T18:04:00.000-05:00

I'm so fucking sick of seeing your face everywhere I look. I can't stand hearing your name every time I turn the TV on. There was probably a time when I might have given a shit about who you are but that time is long gone. Now I just wish you would die so the world can move on and shut the fuck up.

Yes, Terri Schiavo, I'm talking to you. I don't really know why I am, though. I mean, you're just a lump of flesh with a name by now. The only thing that keeps you on the CNN.com front page rather than the obituaries page is the fact that your heart is still beating. I bet if you could talk (or blink Morse code) you'd tell everyone to shut their whiny mouths and let you die properly. None of this half-dead half-alive shit. You must want to climb into your big spacious coffin by now and relax.

But you can't. Your parents aren't going to let you go that easy. They'd much rather ensure that the rest of your life consists of staring at the opposite wall of your hospital room. They say you're now down to your last hours and something has to be done immediately. Well I've got news for them: Your "last hours" have already been prolonged to about fifteen years.

Let's talk about that for a while. Try spending ten straight minutes doing absolutely nothing but what your body does involuntarily. No talking, no moving, no smiling, no laughing, no crying, no scratching yourself, no turning your head to change the view. You can blink, but that's pushing it and you should consider yourself lucky.

Now, do it for FIFTEEN YEARS. Yeah. That's what I thought.

If I was your husband I'd get you secretly stuffed and leave the country. Your parents probably wouldn't notice a difference for at least a week. That'd give me plenty of time to get far, far away from them and anybody who thinks you're going to recover from a fifteen year coma that's left a big puddle of spinal fluid where your cerebral cortex should be. Far away from anybody who thinks you're anything more than a poster child for euthanasia. And far, FAR away from the shithead who decided that starving someone to death is better way to euthanize someone than a quick and relatively painless prick in the arm.

But, then again, there might not be anywhere far enough on this planet. I'd probably have to invest millions into getting myself launched into space where I can finally get away from all those people. And you know what, Terri? I don't have millions of dollars. So just fucking die already.

2005-03-10T03:17:00.000-05:00

Shadows are fun.

2005-03-09T02:44:00.000-05:00

This is the view from the end of my friend Matt's driveway.

The Ultimate Guide to Telemarketing Fraud

2005-03-07T18:44:00.000-05:00

Introduction
So for whatever reason, you're starting to show an interest in taking people's money. Congratulations. You're about to embark on a journey of persuasion, misplaced trust, flat-out lies and a little something I like to call "possible jail time". Not to mention a salary higher than minimum wage and cash bonuses for making more sales* than expected. Let's get started, shall we?

* The term "sale" when used in the context of telemarketing fraud does not imply that you have sold a client a product or service, but rather that you convinced them to give you money.

Getting started
The first step you must take towards becoming a successful telemarketer is finding an employer. Montreal seems to be a hotspot for telemarketing rings, but almost any major city in North America should have at least one call center willing to hire you.

If you are having trouble finding somebody willing to pay you for lying, a good place to ask around would be in a high school. Due to the fact that most telemarketing centers hire almost immediately without checking references or requiring previous experience, many of them are filled with 17-year-olds wanting to make some easy money. Almost any teenager would be able to point you in the right direction or to somebody else that can. If that fails, simply look in the newspaper for jobs in call centers. The vaguer the job description, the better.

Once you've found the perfect place to ensure you're going straight to Hell, the next step is the interview.

The Interview
This section will be absolutely useless to the common person. An interview for a telemarketing position generally consists of asking your name, and shortly after telling you that you're hired. As long as you don't stagger in the door stinking of dead animals and screaming obscenities, you're almost guaranteed a job. In fact, it might not make much of a difference either way.

There is only one good piece of advice you should follow during an interview. Do not, under any circumstances, mention the legality of the job. Your prospective employer has more important things to worry about than whether or not what he's doing (and soon enough, paying you to do) is "legal". Just remember the unofficial motto of telemarketing fraud: Don't ask, don't tell.

Getting Good at Lying to People
Convincing people to give you their personal information is not an easy task. Luckily, lying to people is a skill that improves drastically with practice. For about a week or so after getting the job you will spend most of your time stalling and stuttering while you try to think of a good enough answer to the questions which will inevitably pop up. Don't be discouraged. Soon enough people will be happy to give you their banking information. For the rest of the guide let's assume you are convincing potential clients that their banking information is stored in a database that your company is in charge of managing. The database is also accessible by other companies, which leaves their bank account at risk. Your job is to verify the information to confirm their identity, and mark the information for removal. Here are some general tips to help you out.

Be as vague as possible. The more details you leave out, the less likely it is that your "client" will realize that you're flat-out lying to them. The more time spent on the phone, the more time for them to think about what you're telling them. Keep it simple, stupid. "I'm calling to inform you that your banking information is in a computer system that many people have access to" works very well in most cases. If they ask what computer system specifically, don't rack your brain trying to think of a reasonable-sounding answer. Simply "a database used by many banks across the country" will usually do.

Example:
Them: "How did my information get into this system?"
You: "We don't really know, sir, but we do know that it's in there and that we can remove it today with your cooperation."
Keep a quick pace throughout the entire call. Pauses in the conversation give them a chance to think, and this is simply not acceptable. If you must stall shortly to think of a response, start your sentence with "Well," or "You see," and use the short pause to do your thinking. A dead silence gives them an opportunity to ask questions which should be avoided at all costs.

Example:
Them: I'm not so sure about this. I'm going to go speak with my bank tomorrow.
You: Well, sir, if you could just go grab your chequebook we could be done in a matter of minutes.
Be rude. Interrupt their questions with answers that don't answer anything. Cut them off before they refuse and tell them that if they refuse to cooperate you will be forced to leave their information in the computer system, and they don't want that to happen. Always remember that they don't know who you are or where you are calling from. This allows you to get away with almost anything.

Example:
Them: But I don't understand how my information-
You (interrupting): Ma'am I already explained it to you. Now I need you to go get your chequebook to ensure that your information gets removed today.
Never lose track of your goal. If they ask several questions in a row or try to stall, constantly ask them to go get their chequebook. In fact, telling them to get their chequebook works much more effectively.

Example:
You: Do you have your chequebook nearby?
Them: Yes, but can you please tell me what this is all about?
You: As I said before, I'm calling to help you remove your personal banking information from our computer system. Now you said your chequebook was nearby, could you go grab it while I hold the line?
Them: Why do I need a cheque?
You: To simply confirm that you are the owner of the account in question. Now go get your chequebook while I hold.

Eventually the answers to the questions you will be asked start to come naturally. Practice makes perfect.

Advanced Techniques
Sometimes there are situations where you have to make a judgment call in order to proceed. Here are a few examples.

Being vague / being overly detailed. As I already mentioned, it's usually best to stay vague. This leaves less space open for inconsistencies in your story. When they ask questions you should be judging their tone of voice to see if they believe what you're saying, or are just trying to get you to slip up. If you are sure that you've got them convinced then you can go into as much detail as you want. This creates a false sense of trust between you and your "client". Pretend you're telling them information they usually wouldn't be getting, such as "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this but the information could have been accessed as recently as last week." This further portrays the illusion that you're trying to help them and makes them more likely to go get their chequebook.
Dealing with people who have been ripped off before. Every once in a while you may hear "The last time this happened we got ripped off 400$. What makes you think I'm about to fall for it again?" If you're lucky enough to work at a place that uses the banking information story, you can tell them how it's your job to do everything in your power so that they won't lose any more money. Otherwise, you now know that they're gullible enough to fall for almost anything. Use this opportunity to explain how your company is different because "they have a toll-free number for you to call if you have problems" or "we can't take your money unless you sign a cheque so there's nothing to worry about." Remember, they just admitted to you that they're not so bright. Take advantage of it.
For some reason I found women much easier to deal with and more gullible on the average. Maybe girls would find it easier to deal with men but I wouldn't know. Look for first names that indicate that the person is older than average, like Yolanda or Eugene or Gertrude. These people are the piggy banks of telemarketing fraud.

Conclusion
By now you should have people running for their chequebooks within a minute of picking up the phone. If you need a little help dealing with your conscience, well that's too bad and I'm not surprised.

And before the hate comes flooding in I'd like to explain that the point of this post isn't to teach people how to rip others off, it's to let people know that this type of thing is happening every day. That being said, feel free to tell me how I'm going to hell in the comments.

What First Amendment?

2005-03-03T16:14:00.000-05:00

Read this first.

I have to point out that it's sort of hard to pass judgment without reading the story he wrote first, but I'm going to do it anyway because I feel like it.

I was going to try to make this a well-thought out post about the absurdity of the situation but the more I think about it the more I realize that won't be happening.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? First off, the grandparents turned their grandson in over finding a story he wrote? What a pair of fucking loser grandparents. Why don't you old twats stick to giving us socks and sweaters rather than FELONY CHARGES. If my grandmother tried something like that with me she'd wake up with more than the daily recommended amount of broken hips.

Oh, and the story was about zombies. Could somebody please tell me how a fictional story about zombies taking over a high school could in any way be perceived as a terroristic threat? Zombies don't even EXIST. Is threatening to cast a spell on someone considered a threat these days? If I call up a school and announce "THERE IS A VAMPIRE IN THE BUILDING. MEET MY DEMANDS OR HE WILL SUCK THE BLOOD OF ONE HOSTAGE EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR", will I be taken seriously? I don't fucking think so. So why am I even hearing about this stupid zombie threat?

Somebody must have been scared shitless because not only is he being held for writing a story, but his bail has been raised "after prosecutors requested it, citing the seriousness of the charge". At this point words can't even express what I'm thinking so here are a bunch of letters in a half-random order that may help you get a grasp of what I think of this whole situation:

FUCKFUCKFUCKNOWHATHEFUCKSOFUCKING DUMBJUSTFUCKINGDIEALREYADFUCK WHOGIVESASHTIIFWHEWROTEABOUTUCKFUCZOMBIES SHITFUCKFUCK

That being said I'd like to demonstrate what many people around the world are being deprived of every day, free speech, in the only way I know how.

-- begin free speech
I believe that all people of any race other than my own are inferior to me in every way. They're even inferior at being inferior, which tells you a lot about how much I hate them. They aren't worth the bullet I'd like to put in each and every one of their foreheads.

Furthermore, gay people should be burned at the stake or at least stabbed on site. I am sexually aroused by rubber boots and cream cheese. The only thing I hate more than old people is babies, because they may some day grow into old people. Therefore I would like to nominate myself for presidency of the "Kill Everybody Except Me" club.

America is the biggest shitheap excuse for a country this world will ever see and if given the chance I would happily set it on fire. Everybody from America is by association an idiot and not worthy of the time of the guy whose job it is to tell people whether or not they are worthy of my time.

Telemarketing fraud is only possible because there are people stupid enough to fall for it. If people would stop believing almost everything upon hearing it and actually start realizing that giving out personal information concerning your goddamn MONEY over the phone is a stupid idea then telemarketing fraud couldn't exist, now could it? Until then I'm glad you got suckered out of 400$.

I, Jacob Young, have placed thermonuclear devices in several cities around world and will detonate them if I am not named Supreme Grand Leader Guy of Everything In This Universe and All Other Possible Universes Not Discovered Yet.

-- end free speech (but not really)

If anybody has any objections, complaints, suggestions, terroristic (apparently it's a word now) threats or questions, good for you.

American Justice

2005-02-18T07:45:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago, somebody successfully sued two teenage girls for leaving cookies on their porch as a surprise. Yes, somebody was sued for giving somebody cookies. I didn't believe it at first either. At the time I wished there was something I could do to show the woman how amazingly selfish and stupid she was acting.

Looks like I didn't have to do anything.

2005-01-07T21:07:00.000-05:00

Cameras make the best toys.

Generic title

2005-01-05T17:38:00.000-05:00

Attention. The following things piss me off:

Stupidity. Not only stupidity in itself as everyone has stupid moments but the fact that stupidity is apparently a desired quality. People love to tell others how dumb they are rather than have an intelligent conversation. People have asked me, with straight faces, "Why do you waste your time watching documentaries?". Sorry, I guess I wasn't aware that choosing to learn on your own about whatever interests you was a waste of time. I also wasn't aware that what I choose to do on my time is any of your business. Anything that can be seen as educational is automatically hated by most younger people. I once sat quietly in class and read a book while my peers talked about how fucking wrecked they were on the weekend or how much they hate school solely for the point of hating it. People started making fun of me because I was reading. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. If you're going to waste your own time in school, then try to stop others from learning and wonder why you fail your tests, why don't you just stay in your goddamn house.

Bandwagon rebellion. All of a sudden it's cool to hate police officers for no reason. Cops have one of the worst fucking jobs in the world. They have to deal with strung-out homeless people, intoxicated criminals and god knows what all the time. This alone should make people respect police officers to a certain extent, but it doesn't. It's a growing trend among teens to hate cops. The police are not our fucking enemy. Stop pretending you're a gangster with a pure hatred for police and shut your fucking mouth. I asked somebody why they hated cops so much and they could only come up with "Because they don't let me smoke weed." Well boohoo, you're not the first person to get hassled by "the Man". Instead of whining like a baby and hating people for the sole reason that they are doing their JOB, why don't you write a letter to a politician urging them to change drug laws. Oh, that's right. Writing a letter might make you look smart and you definitely don't want to do that.

Hysteria. There's a big fuss in the states right now over a father who shined a laser pointer into an airplane's cockpit while pointing it into the sky with his daughter. He now faces up to 25 years in prison. Am I the only one that doesn't see a crime being commited? Temporarily blinding somebody is just being mildly annoying. It's not a crime to be annoying. If it was, most celebrities would be rotting in prison right now. The states think that shining a strong light into the cockpit of a MOVING AIRLINER could cause it to crash. Even if somebody could somehow keep the light focused into the eyes of the pilots while the plane moves at an ungodly speed through the air, such an evil and well-planned terrorist attack could be countered by... oh, I don't know. MOVING YOUR FACE A CENTIMETRE TO THE LEFT? Putting your hand up to block the light? It's really depressing to watch a nation of people allow their rights to be taken away from them in the name of safety. Duct tape is one of the best ways to tie people up quickly and effectively if you were hijacking a plane. Why hasn't duct tape been made illegal? I mean, if you are going to tell people they are not allowed to smoke God's plants in their own homes, why stop there? Why not ban cigarettes, which have been proven hundreds of times to be addictive in the worst sense of the word, give you cancer (not only you, but your children who don't even smoke, as well) and instantly cause rooms to smell like somebody died? Oh, that's right. It's because cigarettes make money. My mistake.

Tsunamis. Why couldn't they hit the United States more often? I'd like to see them invade the Pacific Ocean in retaliation.

Artificial happiness

2004-12-13T01:25:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure I may have discovered an alternative to Prozac. If this gets out the pharmaceutical companies might have me assassinated.

Just put a t-shirt in the dryer by itself for about 10 minutes, then as soon as the dryer cycle finishes open the door as fast as possible and put the t-shirt on. As long as the normal climate where you live isn't above ten million degrees celsius every day, a warm t-shirt will make you happy no matter what. It's even better in the winter. Spend the entire day in your boxers shivering and complaining about the heat, then when you are about to go to bed put on a freshly warmed shirt and jump into bed. If you're still either cold or cranky after that, well then go fuck yourself because you're hopeless.

Quick Recap

2004-11-19T01:56:00.000-05:00

America fails to impress the world, again
Bush sucks, still
Cameramen who show the world what war is really like deserve to be shot by their own country, apparently

I wasn't aware that a cameraman doing his job was a threat to our country. When stuff like this happens, I don't know whether I should be thankful or sad. Of course it's sad to know soldiers are killing unarmed people across the world, but every time it happens I hope that people will start to wake up and realize that war isn't a game. For the people that think the marine is an evil man, a scumbag, a cold-hearted killer, ask yourselves what you would do if YOU were in his shoes. Assuming, of course, you weren't already dead or injured. When it's a choice between risking your life and immediately securing your safety, you don't have time to think about "morals". I don't support the war or the kiling of unarmed, wounded people but I'd probably be lying if I told you I wouldn't have done the same thing.

This is a WAR. Not a debate, not a tea party, not a after-school fistfight. In wars, people kill other people. It's a lot easier to say you're liberating a country when you don't know what's really going on, isn't it? All of a sudden the truth comes out and not only is the bearer of bad news condemned, but people are quick to blast the marine in question. Let me tell you the simple truth. PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS "NICE" AND DO NOT ALWAYS FOLLOW THE "RULES". I'm pretty sure that's the general reason behind going to war in the first place. What makes anybody think that their country is an exception to human nature?

As much as I wish these things didn't happen, I learned that the sooner I accept the fact that they always have happened and always will, the sooner I can form a more realistic opinion. I just wish more people would stop seeing things in black and white.

On a less serious note, I quit my job because they put me on commission and that place in general sucked a lot of ass. If anybody ever calls you and asks you to grab your checkbook to verify your identity so that they can remove your banking account information from a computer system that other people have access to, just hang up on them.

Oh and I just found this valuable lesson on everybody's favorite drug propaganda website:

one day i was walking along and i saw sum people smoking sumthing, it smelt funny, and sum1 sed it was tea, and that it felt real cool 2 smoke, so i tried smoking tea at home, but got really sick, ive also tried sniffing vitafresh powder bcause sum1 said it got u high, but i got sick again, my parents werent happy,so ive stopped taking drugs. take notice of my warnings, stay away from drugs if u dont wana get sick i know from my drug experience

Don't smoke tea, you goddamn moron.

FINALLY

2004-11-01T11:42:00.000-05:00

So yeah, my DSL modem just lit up and as soon as I get the username and password from Look, I'll be back up on interweb with all you fine people.

Oh and be sure to watch The Daily Show this week, what with all the electing going on right now it ought to be entertaining.

:(

2004-10-24T19:46:00.000-04:00

This weekend, my dog Carlo had to be put down because of a sudden stomach problem he developed only late last week. It came out of nowhere and by this Saturday he was unable to eat from it. We tried to treat him with antibiotics and special food but by Saturday it became clear that he would probably not recover.

I might have said I hated him but everybody knows that isn't true. I'll miss you, buddy.

Telemarketers SUCK

2004-10-21T09:04:00.000-04:00

So apparently I got a job yesterday, yeah I know I said I would never go back to telemarketing, but you know how things work out some times. The only difference is that now instead of selling old geezers credit cards I have to convince them their bank account is in danger and get their account information as verification. I probably should feel bad scamming people like that... but you know what, I don't.

Without giving away more details let me just tell you that the number of people who would read out their chequing account info over the phone to a complete stranger is actually pretty scary when you think about it. Suckers.

LIGHTNING BOLT

2004-09-27T09:03:00.000-04:00

You may have seen the famous video on the internet of the LARPers, or Live Action Role-Players. Basically they dress up like Everquest characters and act out huge battles, but in the video they pretend to use magic and spells also. A wizard (or mage or something, I don't know how they decide what to call themselves) throws little darts at another guy and screams LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! over and over. It's pretty geeky.

Well Montreal has something sort of like this, but with no magic spells. Every Sunday about 50-70 people get together on Mount Royal and fight each other with fake swords, staves, armor and hammers. Me and two friends went to the mountain yesterday and some guys asked us if we felt like trying it out. We did.

It was geeky, but also sort of fun.

I'm Still Here

2004-09-24T08:02:00.000-04:00

Yeah so I haven't had internet at home in a while now, so that's the main reason why I haven't written any blogs lately. It takes me like half an hour to write a good blog and every time I get started on one in school or at a friend's house I don't feel like it after about 3 minutes.

So what's going on over here? Not much has changed... I still really hate TV. Last night on CTV news they covered such compelling stories as a fire station in Winnipeg taking heat because the firemen were looking at porn on the station computer. So let me get this straight... they risk their lives every day for stupid shitheads who fall asleep with a burning cigarette or can't cook french fries properly and burn their house down but OH NO they looked at porn so they should be punished. I mean christ if everybody who watched porn got in trouble for it, humanity would have been enslaved by itself a long time ago. Oh yeah I forgot it's because firefighters are supposed to be good role models for kids and pornography is BAD. It will make you go blind and you may become addicted to it. Give me a fucking break.

And to finish it off, CTV's final story of the night was on whether or not Britney Spears faked her marriage, either for publicity to sell her new album or due to legal issues. I think the real question is: Why the fuck does anybody care? Why haven't the people that do care been deported to the Sun yet? CTV seemed to express the opinion that if the marriage was fake, it was for publicity reasons and that she was just trying to stay in the spotlight until her new album comes out. Maybe they should realize that by covering the story in the first place, she's already succeeded in drawing attention away from the important things in life and towards her.

Now I might have expected to see this kind of crap on eTalk Daily (don't get me started on that piece of shit excuse for a show. Everybody who thinks anything reported on that show is even mildly important should be shot out of a cannon into a black hole.) or Entertainment Tonight, but not fucking CTV NEWS.

Then again maybe I don't really hate TV. I mean I love Family Guy and The Simpsons and The Daily Show but hate almost everything else on TV, but I don't hate TV itself. I guess I should say I hate what's on TV at almost any given time.

This is odd

2004-08-27T11:16:00.000-04:00

So apparently I'm in college or something now. I just finished my lab assignment in Fundamentals of Computers and decided to kill some time before I go meet my friend at 12:45. Might as well let you guys know what's up.

Today's first class at 8:30 was cancelled meaning I only had to come in at 10:00. So that's already putting me in a good mood. Then, we get assigned two really easy assignments involving copy/pasting definitions out of Windows' help file and writing a paragraph about 'why I chose Computer Science at Dawson'. So that's more good stuff. Then as soon as we finish that we're allowed to leave, meaning I could leave at anytime after 10:50. The lab actually finishes at noon so I only had to sit through half of the class. This happens in a lot of other courses where the teacher basically says "Umm, we're done. See you Thursday." and everybody looks around at each other for a few seconds before running towards the door. This is great.

On August 13th I was at Warped Tour on Ile St. Helene (I refuse to call it Ile Jean-Drapeau because I like the old name better). I'm not gonna go into the details about it now but I will tell you that it was beyond amazing. I think I have to make up a new word to describe it. Amazome. Like, amazing and awesome. The only pictures I took were of my feet when I got to my brother's house later on, but they haven't been developed yet. When I get them and scan them I'll try to write up a full report but until then just picture me getting dropkicked in the face because some fat girl thought she could crowdsurf but nobody could lift her and she got thrown in my direction.

Leave me alone

2004-08-11T02:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday while waiting for a bus some random woman made her way to the bench I was sitting on and exclaimed "Phew! Made it here in one piece!". I was the only one around so I couldn't just pretend to assume she's talking to someone else which is what I usually do when scary people try to talk to me so I had to fake a smile and a kind of nod type thing. Unfortunately I think this gave her the green light to start talking to me about the weather.

For the next 15 minutes she kept saying dumb things like "Damn this humidity" and "Oh, I just noticed the street lights aren't working. That must be why so many cars are speeding today" until I kind of pretended to be asleep. Then she figured she would try to catch my attention with "I wish it would snow just once in July. You know, something to give us a break from the sun. I had a friend once from Alaska, don't really remember their name, but they told me something once along the lines of 'Yeah it snows pretty much whenever it gets cold in Alaska' but then I thought to myself isn't it always cold in Alaska?" and laughed at it for like 5 minutes.

THANK GOD at this point it started raining relatively hard. Usually I would be angry if it started raining while I was waiting for a bus but this time it was like God himself was pissing on my shoulders. See, this forced the random hunk of meat that was currently talking to me to seek dryness inside the bus shelter. It wasn't raining too hard so I figured I could just sit in the rain and avoid talking to this scary lady while she was inside the shelter.

Of course even this master plan was thwarted when she commented, "Guess the rain doesn't bug you that much, eh?". Even with it raining and me quite clearly trying to ignore her she didn't give up. I replied "Well, as long as it's not raining too hard."

No more than 5 seconds later, it starts raining at least twice as hard. I realized I must look like an idiot to the guy that is crossing the street to come wait in the shelter. Oh well, at least I'm not being forced to talk to that buttertroll anymore. Once he showed up, she switched targets and I was alone for a bit. She tried talking to him but after about two minutes he left and took a bus across the street. Luckily she didn't try to make contact after that but it still sucked.

Then when we got on the bus she asks someone in the front "Can I sit there?" meaning the seat next to the lady she was asking. The lady gets up and walks to the middle of the bus without saying anything, and the crazy pyscho lady tries to say "Oh no you don't have to move I'll just sit right here!". I didn't say anything at that point but if there's one thing that lady DID have to do, it was move. There was no way in hell both of those people could fit in two seats side by side, with one of them taking up at LEAST one and a half seats. Don't kid yourself woman; you're fat. There's no way to pretend you aren't, so why don't you save yourself some trouble and admit it.

Halle Berry is fucking annoying

2004-08-05T21:33:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one that doesn't give a shit about Halle or her new movie Catwoman? Not like it's a shock to anyone but apparently the movie did pretty badly at the box office. Jesus christ did that movie look like a vortex of shit or WHAT. Of course that doesn't stop eTalk Daily from trying to hype it.

Just before it was released the local entertainment news show tried to make people see it by showing clips from an interview spread over a few days. I think they split the interview into parts so that the intended target audience, who wouldn't remember anything past two hours before the show itself, would fail to realize that all the interview consisted of was Halle and one of the absolute worst human beings I have ever seen on TV talking about that goddamn whip and her leather outfit. I think whoever wrote the questions for the interview must have drank a gallon of LSD then scribbled down any question which might be interpreted as something related to cats. Here's the gist of it:

Awful man: DID YOU GET HURT WHILE USING THE WHIP? I BET YOU TOOK A LOT OF CATNAPS ON SET EH! THAT BLACK LEATHER SURE WAS SKIMPY, YOU CERTAINLY ARE A ROLE MODEL FOR ACTRESSES ALL OVER!!

Halle: YEAH FILMING WAS REALLY THE CAT'S MEOW!

AM: IF YOU REALLY HAD NINE LIVES, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN YOUR NEXT ONE?

H: EAT LOTS OF CATNIP HAHAHAH

AM: HEY WHEN YOU WERE USING THE WHIP DID YOU EVER FEEL SEXIER?

H: OH WELL I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT ON TELEVISION!

AM: WHAT'S THE MATTER? CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?!

H: OH YOU CARD! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNEXPECTED!

Me: GIVE ME CANCER NOW

Sorry to use caps but it's really necessary to show how fake the interview sounds. I think what E-Talk Daily did was just replace every word above with something similar in the thesarus, then play it on TV the next day and pass it off as a different interview. The only reason I sit through that shitheap of a show once in a while is to remind myself of why guns were invented.

That, and I really hate how everyone is like OMG HALLE BERRY IS SUCH A LEADER AND SHE'S A GOOD ROLE MODEL and shits their pants when there's nothing really special about her.

PS: whip

Insomnia for dummies

2004-07-25T06:35:00.000-04:00

I woke up at 4pm yesterday, then played video games until midnight. My friend picked me up in his car, we drove to Tim Horton's and stayed till about 2am. Then we came here and watched The Mask on VHS. He passed out on his couch and here I am posting at 6:33am.

Summer + unemployment = freedom.

Showtime

2004-07-22T13:03:00.000-04:00

Alright it's time to go meet some friends and walk around the Just For Laughs festival like a bunch of tourist idiots. Bye.

Status report

2004-07-18T21:02:00.000-04:00

Uh, so without internet my house is apparently pretty boring. I've been coming over to my brother's house to use his computer most of the time. No luck with the job search but I have an assload of CV's to hand out tomorrow (if it doesn't rain). If I get lucky I'll get hired at EBGames.

Other than that I went to both the Jazz Festival and Just For Laughs in the past week. Jazz Fest was pretty much just tourists and drunken frenchmen poking you in the back for about an hour and a half trying to get a better view of whatever was going on. Then when you turn around to leave people push you forward out of their way and you get angry and leave.

Just For Laughs was pretty good though, a bunch of outdoor stuff going on like acrobats and kangaroo costumes and music. Triumph the comic insult dog is in town but it's 33$ to go see his show. If I was rich I'd be going, but maybe I'll get a glimpse of him outside making fun of French people.

It's raining a lot in Montreal which sucks a donkey's ass cuz it's really humid and hot in the morning then rainy and cold at night. Oh well.

Vote Ice Cream Dude for Prime Minister

2004-07-07T19:09:00.000-04:00

So anyway the other day me, Myke, Nick and Nick (who shall be known as Farmer Nick and Nick with the Fro, respectively) went to the mall to waste some time. Some time in between trying to play free Xbox at Future Shop and staring at some kids play Dance Dance Revolution, we decide to pool our money together to get a 4 litre tub of ice cream and some spoons so we can eat it outside. 10 minutes and 7 dollars later, we're sitting outside Maxi on the patio chairs that they were displaying and scooping out ice cream with these cheap plastic spoons that are barely the size of a bottlecap.

We looked like dummies but it was worth it. A few people comment on us on the way into the Maxi with stuff like "That ice cream looks good" and stuff like that. Then, this random old guy who looked at least 60 years old walks up and says "Eh boys, having a picnic or what?" in a really strong generic old Italian man accent. Farmer Nick offers him some ice cream and he sits down at the table with us for a good ten minutes and eats ice cream with us. We talk about the weather and whatnot until we're ready to leave. I guess he went into the Maxi after that, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was just a hobo in a nice shirt trying to bum some ice cream off us. Either way he was the coolest random ice cream eating old man I've ever met and is worthy of the title Ice Cream Dude.

That's my story.

Another prom picture

2004-07-03T01:04:00.000-04:00

Not pictured, but his shoes were black shelltoes with flames on them.

If only

2004-07-02T23:05:00.000-04:00

I'm not allowed to write on the board in Physics anymore.

I wish

2004-07-02T06:38:00.000-04:00

Public transportation in this city was better. A lot better.

I had a job.

Stoney wasn't in Ottawa last night.

There were fireworks every night.

I had my high-speed internet again.

My biological clock wasn't totally off.

People weren't so afraid of teenagers. Last night we kept telling groups of people "Happy Canada Day" but only two of them answered. Jerks.

I was watching the movie Snatch right now.

Lists were easier to make.

Hooray for sober people

2004-06-28T04:38:00.000-04:00

This, my friends, is Andrew Barney.

Looking good, Andrew.
PS: He doesn't remember a thing.

I done graduated, sucker

2004-06-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

Whoa, where the hell do I start this crazy post.
Me and my date went to meet a bunch of people for this kind of pre-prom party thing. That wasn't anything special but here's a picture of it anyway.

Then it's off to the Ritz Carlton in a red Pontiac Grand Am (what can I say, I like to splurge) to go pretend to be happy to see our teachers and eat 95$ food. Here is a picture of Ryan Burns which sums up the entire event.

In this second picture we have a hairy beast and Stoney on the right.

Here is the hotel room we rented for the night. Kayla is on the left while Alex is standing up and Bryan is sitting on the far right.

A bunch of stuff happened here where I forgot to take pictures or was to busy tending to people while they threw up repeatedly. We didn't drink or smoke anything, though. Honest.

At 2am we decide to go to McDonald's down the street. Everybody can barely walk and the McDonalds is full of drunken teenagers screaming some nonsense about graduating.

Soon after getting back we go back outside to not smoke. Note the following sober people:

Half an hour later these two fall asleep and people randomly enter our room. A whole bunch of people are asleep in the other rooms so the ones that are still up come to stay with us.

The rest of my pictures are mainly people passed out on floors which isn't anything too unexpected. I'm gonna try and get some more off my friends and upload the good ones here. For now here is a bonus picture of Bryan.

And away I go

2004-06-21T00:10:00.000-04:00

My internet should be cut off any minute now. It just stalled for a few minutes which reminded me to write something to let you know where I'll be.

I have to get a job before my mom will hook it back up so tomorrow is a good day to start handing my CV out. That internet cafe place turned out to be a hellhole and I'm too young to work there anyway. So now I have to try and get a job at Subway or McDonalds. For real this time. I mean it.

No, really.

ACHTUNG

2004-06-20T05:22:00.000-04:00

This is Kirby. He is your new leader.

Damn you, biological clock!

2004-06-20T05:15:00.000-04:00

I told myself I wouldn't go to bed past 4am tonight.
I told myself I would get some sleep in before 4, so I could wake up at noon at the latest.
I told myself this because I woke up at 6pm today. Even though I managed to make plans with Stoney, I still missed out on a lot of free time.
I told myself I would go to bed, wake up, have a big breakfast then maybe look for a job.
I'm telling myself now that it's 5:17am.

See you all at suppertime.

The reasons guns were invented

2004-06-17T04:36:00.000-04:00

1) hayy ppl im sittin herre bored...help...
((im 13/f/n ne one herre live in nj?))
toosweet4sugar55 PM me if ya wanna chat

2) Hey I'm new to this AIM girls thingy, so if ya wanna chat IM me on AIM. My s/n is beachbabe49613 ! Thanx! Mwah!

~*Katie*~ xoxo

3) heyy! welcome to aimgirl! I hope u like teh sitee,, and if u have ne ?'s feel free to pm me**

SIGN ME UP!
I think the scariest part of this post is how little I had to look around to find these quotes.

Public Service Alert

2004-06-16T03:52:00.000-04:00

We interrupt this post to bring you FREAKY PHYSICS TEACHER FROM HELL

I hate McDonalds

2004-06-15T23:57:00.000-04:00

A friend just recently informed me that her friend is looking for someone to fill a spot at a local LAN cafe type place. Basically the job involves sitting in a chair and tapping at a computer randomly whenever somebody walks in. I figure I might as well get paid for what I do in my spare time so I'm gonna try to get the job. My only worry is that somebody will realize how great the job must be (christ, do I ever NOT want to work at McDonald's) and get it before me.

I'm not usually a praying man, but if you're up there, please help me Superman.

Photoblog test 1.5

2004-06-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

And this is a picture of my computer that I kinda like. Enjoy.

Photoblog test 1

2004-06-15T20:44:00.000-04:00

This is a picture of me to test out Photoblogging.

I'm still alive

2004-06-14T16:35:00.000-04:00

I stopped blogging for a bit mainly because every time I think of something good to say I forget it by the time I get home and get discouraged, but now I promise I will try to let all two of my loyal readers know what's going on more often.

Anyway I come back to blogger.com for the first time in around a month and they've totally redone everything. That includes adding a whole bunch of fancy new templates which I think I will use from now on. The old one was nice but a change is good once in a while. I don't really feel like writing a new template so this will have to do for now.

What's new? My prom is in two weeks and I need a summer job, desperately. That's what's new.

Here is a picture of some ducks.

:(

Uhhh

2004-05-08T13:35:00.000-04:00

There was something I was supposed to tell you.... something important...

Oh, yeah. I'm in like Toronto or something right now. I just went to the CN Tower and took a bunch of pics which I'm currently uploading to Yahoo! Photos. So I'll paste the link at the end of this post.

We went out for breakfast at this restaurant called like Charlie's Charbroil or something, but they wouldn't serve me because the health detector said nobody under 18 years old is allowed in the restaurant because there are smoking sections in it. What the hell? In Quebec you're lucky if your food DOESN'T contain more carcinogens than the average ton of asbestos... here they don't serve you because you might sue for getting cancer in their restaurant? Anyway I just waited in the car while the guys I was with ordered for me and that was that.

So here's the link, eh.

Toronto Trip 2k4

2004-05-06T09:49:00.000-04:00

Well it's been confirmed that I'm going to Toronto on Friday afternoon and leaving some time on Sunday. I'm probably going to leave school at lunchtime tomorrow because we have to arrive in Toronto relatively early to set up at the LAN, so that's sort of a bonus.

I'm thinking of redoing the site to a kind of roundish, bubbly design, but I'm not sure yet. I'm way too busy with the huge pile of homework that every teacher seems to be piling on during May, which is another reason why I love my school so much.

PureLAN 6

2004-05-03T13:42:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've updated. I'm trying not to forget about my two readers but it's really hard when I'm spending all of my time playing StarCraft or Diablo II on BattleNet.

Speaking of video games, this past weekend I attended PureLAN 6 hosted by LQJR. All in all the event was great but they had some pretty crappy Internet which made playing on BattleNet sort of a pain. Apparently the tournaments had some problems but that didn't affect me as I'm not skilled enough to bother with them. Lan ETS is still better than LQJR, though.

This weekend coming, TFL (Toronto Fun League) is hosting a LAN party in Toronto. I may be going to this one, which would also be my first time to Toronto. So that's pretty cool, I guess (dorky cool).

If I do go expect pics and a writeup here.

Stupid mouse

2004-04-14T04:04:00.000-04:00

For the past week or so there have been mice running around in my room. I'm not sure how many but I would assume it's more than one. Anyway I was just on the PC when I heard one of the little fuckers scratching around near the corner of my room. I went over and realized that he was inside this old PC that was on the floor. It's one of those really old 486's that is wider than they are tall, and a panel is missing from the front of the case. I assume that's how he got inside.

So I tilted the case and sure enough he ran up to the panel to try to escape. Once he saw me looking back at him, however, he ran back inside. Stupid mouse. Then I propped the case upright with the open panel facing up, and stuck a paper towel in the slot where he came out of. I am now the proud (not really) owner of a pet mouse. Of course, I can't see him, but I can hear him scratching at the walls of the case trying to get out. I wish I still had my cats so I could put the case in the bathtub along with the cat, and let them fight it out. Mice can't climb bathtub walls very well so it wouldn't turn out very well for the mouse. I'll probably shake the case out over the bathtub and drown the little guy. Hey, it's a shame but I sure as hell ain't letting him roam around my room anymore.

Oh, and you know the guy that always leaves 2 drops of milk in the carton just so it looks like there's milk left, then when you go to pour yourself a glass all you get is barely a mouthful of milk?

No, I'm not him. I hate that guy too.

Ach! Mein update!

2004-04-13T20:17:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I updated this thing... guess I've been too busy doing nothing.

Most of my level went to the Europe trip this week so now it's 19 days of free periods and random chaos in school. There are like 10 people in some of my classes... the teachers just basically say "Do what you want" and we talk for 50 minutes. Every period. I guess it would have been nice to go to Europe (5000$) but this ain't bad either.

I applied for a job at Subway the other day and I will probably apply to another one closer to my house soon. If I get this job you'll probably see me expose all the rumors behind Subway like the toppings are two weeks old or they don't bother washing their hands or whatever. Most likely, I'll just whine about French people though.

You see, the only reason I specifically chose Subway is because of the simplicity of their menu. You can order a 6 inch, a 12 inch and maybe a cookie but that's about it. I can barely make out what a lot of French people are saying most of the time because of how fast they speak. Working at a McDonalds, with their huge menu, would probably confuse the hell out of me to the point where I burn the place down. Now Subway, on the other hand, has a relatively simple menu. Even the meats are universal in some cases... "steak", "roast beef" and "tuna" are examples of this. If I get real lucky, mostly English people will show up and I won't have to bust out my crappy French. Oh well, that's what I get for living in Quebec.

Lately I've been playing a little bit of Battlefield: Vietnam which is what I'm going to go do now. Before I go, I just want to leave you with something special.

You know that guy who always says the punchline to a joke before someone else can?
He'll usually stay quiet during the joke's setup, but at a point just before the punchline is ready, he'll proclaim it to the world because he's already heard the joke before. Usually just before the joke teller finishes his sentence, he'll step in and take over. Example:

"What's the opposite of Christoph--"
"Christopher Reeves!"

Of course, the setup was "What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?", but this guy didn't wait for that part to come before finishing the joke himself. Almost every group of friends will have this guy in it.

I'm that guy.

Sorry.

Prom shenanigans

2004-04-01T12:17:00.000-05:00

So everyone is currently obsessed with either their newfound acceptance letters to college or the upcoming grad night. When I'm not hearing someone say "I GOT ACCEPTED INTO JOHN ABBOT BABY WOOOOO" as if the person thinks that the president of Canada just personally invited them to attend Harvard, I'm hearing about hotel rentals and prom dresses and limos and afterparties.

I don't get how you can get so worked up over prom. It costs you about the entire yearly budget of a small African country for one night. Then you leave the dance to change clothes and get as wasted as humanly possible. Why don't people just skip all the stuff inbetween and go right to the parties afterward?

I'm probably going to spend around 86$ total for prom night. Instead of renting a tux I can just buy one of those white t-shirts with a bowtie drawn on. Classy and affordable.

LAN ETS 2004

2004-03-24T19:53:00.000-05:00

So I ended up getting to the LAN at 11 on Saturday and let me tell you the wait was worth it. Over at the gallery you can check out some pictures they have, and I may upload mine soon. The place was 100% full to the brim with people (443 in total) and everything went great. I got myself a new mousepad as well as won a new fan controller, fans, neon lights, fan grills, thumbscrews and a car lighter adapter for my PC through the random giveaways. Now my PC is green and blue inside with a fancy prancy knob panel for adjusting the lights and fan speeds. GO USA!

Heffed

2004-03-19T23:54:00.000-05:00

So I'm supposed to get a ride to this LAN party tonight, right? The guy tells me 5:00pm LATEST is possible for him. So I cancel plans to get home early so I can unplug and pack my PC. This is at around 4:30pm. The time is now 11:50. My PC has been plugged back in since 10:00pm so I could check where my ride is. See, almost seven hours have passed since the LATEST possible time he was supposed to be here... not an e-mail, instant message or phone call to let me know he wouldn't show. And now at the last minute Stoney invites me to her house except I waste too much time trying to get a hold of my ride to make sure he doesn't show up at my house at 12:30 with me in LaSalle, and it's too late to do anything but go to bed now.

If I had known I would only be going to the LAN tomorrow, I could have gone to see Dawn of the Dead with an assload of friends then slept over somewhere. I wouldn't be replugging my PC in just to check on the status of my ride.

Let's just say I'm not in a particularily good mood.

By the way, I don't miss TV

2004-03-15T12:07:00.000-05:00

Has anyone seen those Tropicana orange juice commercials? Where some random person sees someone else drinking orange juice, they are overcome by jealousy and steal the juice using a hilariously* long straw? The few shows I watch a week are constantly interrupted by this shitty ad. Doesn't anyone ever notice that it's amazingly unrealistic and unlogical?

First off, if I turned around and someone was drinking my orange juice I wouldn't look up and smile at them like I had just won the lottery or something. I would probably bitchslap them like the woman in the commercial should. When someone steals your stereo do you see them in court and smile at them as if you were best buddies? Even if it was my friend who was swiping my juice I'd bitch at them. Second, why is the girl that steals the juice on a cruise if she can't afford to buy herself a damn glass or orange juice? Either Tropicana is trying to say that women or cheap or their product is expensive. I hope somebody got fired for that one. And third, the whole concept of sucking juice up through a straw that's 6 feet long it pretty stupid. If you didn't pass out first, the juice would mostly leak out through the gaps in the places that the straws are stuck together. And don't even try to say that it's just one big long straw because who the hell brings a 6 foot long straw on vacation?

It's a shame, too. I still like their orange juice.

* Not hilarious.

A Modern Hero

2004-03-13T19:30:00.000-05:00

I have pretty much stopped watching TV for the past year or so now. Of course there is still the occasional show when I'm bored, and I watch movies on my computer a lot, plus watching TV while at a friend's house... but that's pretty much it. Then how is it that I know who William Hung is?

First, about American Idol and why I don't like it. Every single show (besides the last few which I can't force myself to watch, mainly because Jenny Gear destroyed my eyes last time) can be predicted with the following layout:

Random singer tries, sucks badly. Simon shows disrespect and elitism by laughing while the person is singing, and looking away in boredom. Paula Abdul smiles and sometimes dances along with the singer, even if they are terrible. Hey, at least she tries not to hurt their feelings. Randy is kind of neutral between nodding his head to the music, looking away if the person is really bad or just sitting there being fat, which is what he seems to be best at. Then, Simon will say "You're terrible, thank you for coming.", Randy will say a sentence containing no less than three occurences of the word "dude", and Paula breaks the news that the person has potential but just isn't what they're looking for. Occasionally, someone good will come on and everything will be different (Randy still says dude a lot) but it happens so little that I don't even care anymore. And don't you dare forget about the end credits where the worst singers from the show rant into the camera about how Simon is a bitch and that they're really good and nothing can convince them that they suck. Including the fact that everybody thinks they suck. 90% of the time, the person who is whining will be black, gay, or both.

BONUS: Oh, and sometimes the judges convince each other to give the guy a chance because he looks like he has talent, and then one of the judges will change their decision and the singer goes "OH MY GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH" and cries. Randy says "Good luck, dude" and the show goes on.

Now, back to William. This guy sucks. But in the good way. Instead of trying to defend himself in front of the judges at American Idol and making an idiot of himself (for an example type "black girl on american idol" into Google) or verbally attacking them, he admitted his defeat with the simple line "You know, I have no professional training in singing." Thanks for the news flash. Of course, now he has a record deal, his own website and thousands of fans.

Maybe I should give Canadian Idol a try.

Sorry, piggies

2004-03-09T23:04:00.000-05:00

I've always wondered what it must be like to be a vegetarian. Do you get some kind of a membership card? Do you get 15% off on video rentals? Where do I sign up? But I think the biggest thing I wonder about is: How on Earth do you do it?

I don't think I could go without meat for one week. I find meals start to taste pretty average without a big hunk of meat in my mouth every once in a while. Sure, I've had vegetarian meals before... vegetarian lasagna, soups, pastas and a few other pretty tasty dishes but I don't think it would always be that easy. For example, I couldn't just make a sandwich when I get hungry. Of course, I could make peanut butter sandwiches but I'm honestly not too fond of them anymore. Being a high school student, the very few vegetarian meals they offer in the cafeteria every once in a while look pretty scary (even moreso than the other food-like substances they serve there). Another big factor is that I don't really like cheese. I can stand it on pizza, or a little bit on a salad or Subway submarine or something like that, but in general I don't want a big lump of rubbery cheese in my mouth. This leaves me with very few options if I were a vegetarian.

Oh, and did I forget to mention just how good meat tastes? Give me a good old-fashioned hamburger over a tofu salad any day.
My vegetarian friend once told me she had a BBQ with her family during which she ate hamburger buns with mustard on them and not much more. First of all, that sounds so boring. Knowing I could be chowing down on steak instead of a plain old BUN would be torture for me. Second, those buns probably contain minimal amounts of the recommended daily intake of... oh, I don't know... EVERYTHING? Even for a small guy, I like to eat a lot, so I would probably have to eat like five or six hamburger buns just to satisfy my hunger. That's a lot of buns.

You may have seen the videos at the PETA website protesting the meat industry and whatnot. I have and let me tell you right now that they're not friendly suggestions anymore. Slaughterhouse footage, debeaking videos, throat-slitting... they send a strong message. It's a shame these things are happening, but I just don't think I have the willpower to be a vegetarian right now. Maybe in a few years. So for now, it's "Sorry, piggies. Sorry cows, chickens and turkeys. Sorry pigeons, rats and old newspaper shreddings (I enjoy the occasional hotdog now and then). You just taste too good."

My name is Jake, and I am a Wannabe Vegetarian.

Welcome to nothing.

2004-03-09T21:24:00.000-05:00

Some of you may know me as that crazy nutjob from Absolut Blog and some of you may not. This blog was started to serve as a little more serious weblog that some people may find just as interesting as my other one. In short, there is going to be less "HOLY SHIT NINJAS ARE COOL" on this blog*. Oh, and I'm the only poster here (for now anyway).

I 100% coded this site myself so it should stay like this for quite some time. I may change the color scheme if I get bored, though. Now, stick around and the fun will begin.

* Ninjas are still cool, though.