TAKE THAT, ANN COULTER

Yawn.

Am I the only one who wishes biological clocks came with an instruction manual? I find it's way too easy for my biological clock to get out of sync, but incredibly hard to try and reset it. For a few weeks I've been going to sleep around five in the morning and waking up at five in the afternoon. I'm starting to think my biological clock has some sort of factory defect or something. Falling asleep is like some sort of challenge to me. I lie awake in bed for an average of about two hours per night, and if I try to get to bed by a decent hour I'll just lie there until the sun comes up and sleep through the entire day.

Which brings me to today. I should be asleep right now, but I'm forcing myself to pull an all-nighter so I can get to sleep at a decent hour later tonight. I'm really only writing this blog because it's something to do in the meantime that will keep me awake. I'm highly considering riding the metro around the city for a few hours just because I know it would force me to stay awake. It's sort of a shame that I'm only writing here because there's really nothing else to do, but on the other hand at least I'm writing something. I haven't written much lately, but don't think it's because I don't have anything to say. If anything, it's because I have too much to say. If I were to write down everything that goes through my head I'd never get ANY sleep.

As long as I'm here I might as well say a few things. First off, what's all this I've been hearing about gays not deserving the right to adopt kids? Is this some sort of twisted joke that I'm not in on or something? Just watching a politician openly saying that gays and bisexuals shouldn't be allowed to adopt children with a straight face makes me sick to my fucking stomach. I'm absolutely speechless, in fact. I'd like to state a list of reasons why they should be allowed to, but I don't even see the point in doing so. I honestly cannot understand how anyone could truly think that a person's sexuality should determine their rights. Writing the last three sentences took at least ten minutes because I can't even choose the right words to express myself.

Fuck it. I'm not even going to bother. Just thinking about the pure idiocy and hypocricy of some people makes me want to cry my eyes out. The fact that there are people on this planet who actually believe some of the bullshit they spew under the pretense of being tolerant and caring baffles me beyond words. Knowing that these people are so dedicated to their prejudice that nothing I say will phase them puts me in such a terrible mood that I don't even want to bother any more.

Anyways. Lately I've been getting tons of junk mail from internet vigilantes who thought subscribing my e-mail address to a bunch of newsletters would demonstrate the error of my ways. Congratulations, you've made me spend an extra five seconds checking off a box and clicking "Delete". I will never, ever make fun of anyone again. You've sure showed me a lesson I won't soon forget.

It hasn't been all bad, though. I've received quite a few complimentary e-mails and comments and I'd like to let you know that I appreciate them all. It's always good to have proof that there are others like me who aren't so stuck up on being politically correct and can have a laugh at other people's expense every once in a while. Yes, it is fun to laugh at those who are less fortunate than ourselves. I'm not saying you should make a habit out of it, but I'm not going to jump down your throat when you eventually do it. A lot of people like to argue the fact that I wouldn't like it if others laughed at my misfortune. And you know what, maybe I wouldn't. But that's why it's called misfortune. It sucks. Part of it being misfortune is the fact that people are going to laugh at you. Actually, there's probably nobody on this planet that makes more fun of me than I do. Accepting the fact that others will get a small amount of pleasure from your displeasure makes life a lot easier to go through. I highly recommend it.

Speaking of complimentary e-mails:

I am a 53 year old "Mother" from Texas. Would you marry my 21 year old daughter? She may need to live in Canada when the US gets the draft again. I really enjoyed Terri's Blog. If I need a Blog about me or any other family member, I will contact you. RK

Assuming this isn't a joke, which it most likely is:
Sure, I'll marry your daughter. As soon as you explain to me why your daughter would have to dodge the draft. Maybe it's the same reason you put "mother" in quotation marks? Sorry, I don't swing that way. But at least if I did, I'd have the right to adopt a kid where I live. Whoops. I wasn't supposed to mention that again. There goes my blood pressure.

Well, this has taken up about an hour and twenty minutes which is long enough for me. Before I go I'd like to mention that Michael Jackson was damn sexy back in his prime. He might be a scary, boy-hungry waxface now, but back when he was still black he was the shit, there I said it.

It's about time.

In case you haven't already heard, Terri's status has finally been changed from Basically Dead to Dead. I'd like to think that with her passing away we'd be hearing the last of it but now that she's a martyr I don't think that's going to happen.

It really is a shame that despite the cold hard truth that every living thing must someday die, there are people that just can't deal with the concept of death and choose instead to cling to anything they can pass off as life.

Rest in peace, Terri.

Durrrrr

You are a fucking asshole that needs to be castrated and burned alive because that's the only kind of living you deserve you low life bag of shit. I am glad they took her off the tube, and those religious assholes can shove it but you are more infuriating then even Tom Delay. I know you will find enjoyment from recieving these kinds of comments, I just wanted to remind you that you ARE the scum of the earth.

it really worries me that there are people like you fucking morons in existence. too bad i believe that all human life is sacred, because if i didn't i swear i'd get rid of as many of you inconsiderate bastards as possible. you're all bigger wastes of air and space than teri schiavo is, i'll tell you that much. find a better use of your time than making fun of a brain damaged, suffering woman...or burn in hell for all eternity. hey kids, your choice

yall are some fucked up people, making fun of a crippled person, espcially the jackass who created this blog

You guys think you are funny making fun of her, Fuck you retarded assholes, whoever write this website is probably live in a retarded house or will be,

If this website is an indicator of the state of society, then humanity is done for. Enjoy mocking the death of a fellow human being while you can. When it's your turn to meet your Maker, I can only hope that you will not be shown the same heartless, soulless lack of respect for human life that you have displayed here.

Terri has more brain activity than the sick creep that started this blog.

You fucktards that leave comments, degrading Terri, I have one wish for you, that being, you suffer the same fate with one of children. You are nothing but cowardly, moronic, imbeciles, who have the bad taste of breathing the same air as her. Easier solution for you all is go and commit suicide then the world would truely be rid of useless humans.

I am DISGUSTED by the sarcasm and ridicule of the blog. The blogger claims to support her, yet is making fun of her, ridiculing her. The author of this post should go to hell!

HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT ONLY WANT TO KILL SOMEONE, BUT ALSO IS LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF AT THE THOUGHT OF SOMEONE DYING! EVEN IF IT WERE FOR SOMETHING GOOD I WOULDN'T BE LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF AT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111

I guess some people just can't take a joke.

Why won't you die already

I'm so fucking sick of seeing your face everywhere I look. I can't stand hearing your name every time I turn the TV on. There was probably a time when I might have given a shit about who you are but that time is long gone. Now I just wish you would die so the world can move on and shut the fuck up.

Yes, Terri Schiavo, I'm talking to you. I don't really know why I am, though. I mean, you're just a lump of flesh with a name by now. The only thing that keeps you on the CNN.com front page rather than the obituaries page is the fact that your heart is still beating. I bet if you could talk (or blink Morse code) you'd tell everyone to shut their whiny mouths and let you die properly. None of this half-dead half-alive shit. You must want to climb into your big spacious coffin by now and relax.

But you can't. Your parents aren't going to let you go that easy. They'd much rather ensure that the rest of your life consists of staring at the opposite wall of your hospital room. They say you're now down to your last hours and something has to be done immediately. Well I've got news for them: Your "last hours" have already been prolonged to about fifteen years.

Let's talk about that for a while. Try spending ten straight minutes doing absolutely nothing but what your body does involuntarily. No talking, no moving, no smiling, no laughing, no crying, no scratching yourself, no turning your head to change the view. You can blink, but that's pushing it and you should consider yourself lucky.

Now, do it for FIFTEEN YEARS. Yeah. That's what I thought.

If I was your husband I'd get you secretly stuffed and leave the country. Your parents probably wouldn't notice a difference for at least a week. That'd give me plenty of time to get far, far away from them and anybody who thinks you're going to recover from a fifteen year coma that's left a big puddle of spinal fluid where your cerebral cortex should be. Far away from anybody who thinks you're anything more than a poster child for euthanasia. And far, FAR away from the shithead who decided that starving someone to death is better way to euthanize someone than a quick and relatively painless prick in the arm.

But, then again, there might not be anywhere far enough on this planet. I'd probably have to invest millions into getting myself launched into space where I can finally get away from all those people. And you know what, Terri? I don't have millions of dollars. So just fucking die already.

Shadows are fun.

This is the view from the end of my friend Matt's driveway.

The Ultimate Guide to Telemarketing Fraud

Introduction
So for whatever reason, you're starting to show an interest in taking people's money. Congratulations. You're about to embark on a journey of persuasion, misplaced trust, flat-out lies and a little something I like to call "possible jail time". Not to mention a salary higher than minimum wage and cash bonuses for making more sales* than expected. Let's get started, shall we?

* The term "sale" when used in the context of telemarketing fraud does not imply that you have sold a client a product or service, but rather that you convinced them to give you money.

Getting started
The first step you must take towards becoming a successful telemarketer is finding an employer. Montreal seems to be a hotspot for telemarketing rings, but almost any major city in North America should have at least one call center willing to hire you.

If you are having trouble finding somebody willing to pay you for lying, a good place to ask around would be in a high school. Due to the fact that most telemarketing centers hire almost immediately without checking references or requiring previous experience, many of them are filled with 17-year-olds wanting to make some easy money. Almost any teenager would be able to point you in the right direction or to somebody else that can. If that fails, simply look in the newspaper for jobs in call centers. The vaguer the job description, the better.

Once you've found the perfect place to ensure you're going straight to Hell, the next step is the interview.

The Interview
This section will be absolutely useless to the common person. An interview for a telemarketing position generally consists of asking your name, and shortly after telling you that you're hired. As long as you don't stagger in the door stinking of dead animals and screaming obscenities, you're almost guaranteed a job. In fact, it might not make much of a difference either way.

There is only one good piece of advice you should follow during an interview. Do not, under any circumstances, mention the legality of the job. Your prospective employer has more important things to worry about than whether or not what he's doing (and soon enough, paying you to do) is "legal". Just remember the unofficial motto of telemarketing fraud: Don't ask, don't tell.

Getting Good at Lying to People
Convincing people to give you their personal information is not an easy task. Luckily, lying to people is a skill that improves drastically with practice. For about a week or so after getting the job you will spend most of your time stalling and stuttering while you try to think of a good enough answer to the questions which will inevitably pop up. Don't be discouraged. Soon enough people will be happy to give you their banking information. For the rest of the guide let's assume you are convincing potential clients that their banking information is stored in a database that your company is in charge of managing. The database is also accessible by other companies, which leaves their bank account at risk. Your job is to verify the information to confirm their identity, and mark the information for removal. Here are some general tips to help you out.

1. Be as vague as possible. The more details you leave out, the less likely it is that your "client" will realize that you're flat-out lying to them. The more time spent on the phone, the more time for them to think about what you're telling them. Keep it simple, stupid. "I'm calling to inform you that your banking information is in a computer system that many people have access to" works very well in most cases. If they ask what computer system specifically, don't rack your brain trying to think of a reasonable-sounding answer. Simply "a database used by many banks across the country" will usually do.
   
   Example:
   Them: "How did my information get into this system?"
   You: "We don't really know, sir, but we do know that it's in there and that we can remove it today with your cooperation."
   
2. Keep a quick pace throughout the entire call. Pauses in the conversation give them a chance to think, and this is simply not acceptable. If you must stall shortly to think of a response, start your sentence with "Well," or "You see," and use the short pause to do your thinking. A dead silence gives them an opportunity to ask questions which should be avoided at all costs.
   
   Example:
   Them: I'm not so sure about this. I'm going to go speak with my bank tomorrow.
   You: Well, sir, if you could just go grab your chequebook we could be done in a matter of minutes.
   
3. Be rude. Interrupt their questions with answers that don't answer anything. Cut them off before they refuse and tell them that if they refuse to cooperate you will be forced to leave their information in the computer system, and they don't want that to happen. Always remember that they don't know who you are or where you are calling from. This allows you to get away with almost anything.
   
   Example:
   Them: But I don't understand how my information-
   You (interrupting): Ma'am I already explained it to you. Now I need you to go get your chequebook to ensure that your information gets removed today.
   
4. Never lose track of your goal. If they ask several questions in a row or try to stall, constantly ask them to go get their chequebook. In fact, telling them to get their chequebook works much more effectively.
   
   Example:
   You: Do you have your chequebook nearby?
   Them: Yes, but can you please tell me what this is all about?
   You: As I said before, I'm calling to help you remove your personal banking information from our computer system. Now you said your chequebook was nearby, could you go grab it while I hold the line?
   Them: Why do I need a cheque?
   You: To simply confirm that you are the owner of the account in question. Now go get your chequebook while I hold.

Eventually the answers to the questions you will be asked start to come naturally. Practice makes perfect.

Advanced Techniques
Sometimes there are situations where you have to make a judgment call in order to proceed. Here are a few examples.

1. Being vague / being overly detailed. As I already mentioned, it's usually best to stay vague. This leaves less space open for inconsistencies in your story. When they ask questions you should be judging their tone of voice to see if they believe what you're saying, or are just trying to get you to slip up. If you are sure that you've got them convinced then you can go into as much detail as you want. This creates a false sense of trust between you and your "client". Pretend you're telling them information they usually wouldn't be getting, such as "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this but the information could have been accessed as recently as last week." This further portrays the illusion that you're trying to help them and makes them more likely to go get their chequebook.
   
2. Dealing with people who have been ripped off before. Every once in a while you may hear "The last time this happened we got ripped off 400$. What makes you think I'm about to fall for it again?" If you're lucky enough to work at a place that uses the banking information story, you can tell them how it's your job to do everything in your power so that they won't lose any more money. Otherwise, you now know that they're gullible enough to fall for almost anything. Use this opportunity to explain how your company is different because "they have a toll-free number for you to call if you have problems" or "we can't take your money unless you sign a cheque so there's nothing to worry about." Remember, they just admitted to you that they're not so bright. Take advantage of it.
   
3. For some reason I found women much easier to deal with and more gullible on the average. Maybe girls would find it easier to deal with men but I wouldn't know. Look for first names that indicate that the person is older than average, like Yolanda or Eugene or Gertrude. These people are the piggy banks of telemarketing fraud.

Conclusion
By now you should have people running for their chequebooks within a minute of picking up the phone. If you need a little help dealing with your conscience, well that's too bad and I'm not surprised.

And before the hate comes flooding in I'd like to explain that the point of this post isn't to teach people how to rip others off, it's to let people know that this type of thing is happening every day. That being said, feel free to tell me how I'm going to hell in the comments.

What First Amendment?

Read this first.

I have to point out that it's sort of hard to pass judgment without reading the story he wrote first, but I'm going to do it anyway because I feel like it.

I was going to try to make this a well-thought out post about the absurdity of the situation but the more I think about it the more I realize that won't be happening.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? First off, the grandparents turned their grandson in over finding a story he wrote? What a pair of fucking loser grandparents. Why don't you old twats stick to giving us socks and sweaters rather than FELONY CHARGES. If my grandmother tried something like that with me she'd wake up with more than the daily recommended amount of broken hips.

Oh, and the story was about zombies. Could somebody please tell me how a fictional story about zombies taking over a high school could in any way be perceived as a terroristic threat? Zombies don't even EXIST. Is threatening to cast a spell on someone considered a threat these days? If I call up a school and announce "THERE IS A VAMPIRE IN THE BUILDING. MEET MY DEMANDS OR HE WILL SUCK THE BLOOD OF ONE HOSTAGE EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR", will I be taken seriously? I don't fucking think so. So why am I even hearing about this stupid zombie threat?

Somebody must have been scared shitless because not only is he being held for writing a story, but his bail has been raised "after prosecutors requested it, citing the seriousness of the charge". At this point words can't even express what I'm thinking so here are a bunch of letters in a half-random order that may help you get a grasp of what I think of this whole situation:

FUCKFUCKFUCKNOWHATHEFUCKSOFUCKING DUMBJUSTFUCKINGDIEALREYADFUCK WHOGIVESASHTIIFWHEWROTEABOUTUCKFUCZOMBIES SHITFUCKFUCK

That being said I'd like to demonstrate what many people around the world are being deprived of every day, free speech, in the only way I know how.

-- begin free speech
I believe that all people of any race other than my own are inferior to me in every way. They're even inferior at being inferior, which tells you a lot about how much I hate them. They aren't worth the bullet I'd like to put in each and every one of their foreheads.

Furthermore, gay people should be burned at the stake or at least stabbed on site. I am sexually aroused by rubber boots and cream cheese. The only thing I hate more than old people is babies, because they may some day grow into old people. Therefore I would like to nominate myself for presidency of the "Kill Everybody Except Me" club.

America is the biggest shitheap excuse for a country this world will ever see and if given the chance I would happily set it on fire. Everybody from America is by association an idiot and not worthy of the time of the guy whose job it is to tell people whether or not they are worthy of my time.

Telemarketing fraud is only possible because there are people stupid enough to fall for it. If people would stop believing almost everything upon hearing it and actually start realizing that giving out personal information concerning your goddamn MONEY over the phone is a stupid idea then telemarketing fraud couldn't exist, now could it? Until then I'm glad you got suckered out of 400$.

I, Jacob Young, have placed thermonuclear devices in several cities around world and will detonate them if I am not named Supreme Grand Leader Guy of Everything In This Universe and All Other Possible Universes Not Discovered Yet.

-- end free speech (but not really)

If anybody has any objections, complaints, suggestions, terroristic (apparently it's a word now) threats or questions, good for you.

American Justice

Not too long ago, somebody successfully sued two teenage girls for leaving cookies on their porch as a surprise. Yes, somebody was sued for giving somebody cookies. I didn't believe it at first either. At the time I wished there was something I could do to show the woman how amazingly selfish and stupid she was acting.

Looks like I didn't have to do anything.