Artificial happiness

I'm pretty sure I may have discovered an alternative to Prozac. If this gets out the pharmaceutical companies might have me assassinated.

Just put a t-shirt in the dryer by itself for about 10 minutes, then as soon as the dryer cycle finishes open the door as fast as possible and put the t-shirt on. As long as the normal climate where you live isn't above ten million degrees celsius every day, a warm t-shirt will make you happy no matter what. It's even better in the winter. Spend the entire day in your boxers shivering and complaining about the heat, then when you are about to go to bed put on a freshly warmed shirt and jump into bed. If you're still either cold or cranky after that, well then go fuck yourself because you're hopeless.

Quick Recap

• America fails to impress the world, again
• Bush sucks, still
• Cameramen who show the world what war is really like deserve to be shot by their own country, apparently

I wasn't aware that a cameraman doing his job was a threat to our country. When stuff like this happens, I don't know whether I should be thankful or sad. Of course it's sad to know soldiers are killing unarmed people across the world, but every time it happens I hope that people will start to wake up and realize that war isn't a game. For the people that think the marine is an evil man, a scumbag, a cold-hearted killer, ask yourselves what you would do if YOU were in his shoes. Assuming, of course, you weren't already dead or injured. When it's a choice between risking your life and immediately securing your safety, you don't have time to think about "morals". I don't support the war or the kiling of unarmed, wounded people but I'd probably be lying if I told you I wouldn't have done the same thing.

This is a WAR. Not a debate, not a tea party, not a after-school fistfight. In wars, people kill other people. It's a lot easier to say you're liberating a country when you don't know what's really going on, isn't it? All of a sudden the truth comes out and not only is the bearer of bad news condemned, but people are quick to blast the marine in question. Let me tell you the simple truth. PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS "NICE" AND DO NOT ALWAYS FOLLOW THE "RULES". I'm pretty sure that's the general reason behind going to war in the first place. What makes anybody think that their country is an exception to human nature?

As much as I wish these things didn't happen, I learned that the sooner I accept the fact that they always have happened and always will, the sooner I can form a more realistic opinion. I just wish more people would stop seeing things in black and white.

On a less serious note, I quit my job because they put me on commission and that place in general sucked a lot of ass. If anybody ever calls you and asks you to grab your checkbook to verify your identity so that they can remove your banking account information from a computer system that other people have access to, just hang up on them.

Oh and I just found this valuable lesson on everybody's favorite drug propaganda website:

one day i was walking along and i saw sum people smoking sumthing, it smelt funny, and sum1 sed it was tea, and that it felt real cool 2 smoke, so i tried smoking tea at home, but got really sick, ive also tried sniffing vitafresh powder bcause sum1 said it got u high, but i got sick again, my parents werent happy,so ive stopped taking drugs. take notice of my warnings, stay away from drugs if u dont wana get sick i know from my drug experience

Don't smoke tea, you goddamn moron.

FINALLY

So yeah, my DSL modem just lit up and as soon as I get the username and password from Look, I'll be back up on interweb with all you fine people.

Oh and be sure to watch The Daily Show this week, what with all the electing going on right now it ought to be entertaining.

:(

This weekend, my dog Carlo had to be put down because of a sudden stomach problem he developed only late last week. It came out of nowhere and by this Saturday he was unable to eat from it. We tried to treat him with antibiotics and special food but by Saturday it became clear that he would probably not recover.

I might have said I hated him but everybody knows that isn't true. I'll miss you, buddy.

Telemarketers SUCK

So apparently I got a job yesterday, yeah I know I said I would never go back to telemarketing, but you know how things work out some times. The only difference is that now instead of selling old geezers credit cards I have to convince them their bank account is in danger and get their account information as verification. I probably should feel bad scamming people like that... but you know what, I don't.

Without giving away more details let me just tell you that the number of people who would read out their chequing account info over the phone to a complete stranger is actually pretty scary when you think about it. Suckers.

LIGHTNING BOLT

You may have seen the famous video on the internet of the LARPers, or Live Action Role-Players. Basically they dress up like Everquest characters and act out huge battles, but in the video they pretend to use magic and spells also. A wizard (or mage or something, I don't know how they decide what to call themselves) throws little darts at another guy and screams LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT! over and over. It's pretty geeky.

Well Montreal has something sort of like this, but with no magic spells. Every Sunday about 50-70 people get together on Mount Royal and fight each other with fake swords, staves, armor and hammers. Me and two friends went to the mountain yesterday and some guys asked us if we felt like trying it out. We did.

It was geeky, but also sort of fun.

I'm Still Here

Yeah so I haven't had internet at home in a while now, so that's the main reason why I haven't written any blogs lately. It takes me like half an hour to write a good blog and every time I get started on one in school or at a friend's house I don't feel like it after about 3 minutes.

So what's going on over here? Not much has changed... I still really hate TV. Last night on CTV news they covered such compelling stories as a fire station in Winnipeg taking heat because the firemen were looking at porn on the station computer. So let me get this straight... they risk their lives every day for stupid shitheads who fall asleep with a burning cigarette or can't cook french fries properly and burn their house down but OH NO they looked at porn so they should be punished. I mean christ if everybody who watched porn got in trouble for it, humanity would have been enslaved by itself a long time ago. Oh yeah I forgot it's because firefighters are supposed to be good role models for kids and pornography is BAD. It will make you go blind and you may become addicted to it. Give me a fucking break.

And to finish it off, CTV's final story of the night was on whether or not Britney Spears faked her marriage, either for publicity to sell her new album or due to legal issues. I think the real question is: Why the fuck does anybody care? Why haven't the people that do care been deported to the Sun yet? CTV seemed to express the opinion that if the marriage was fake, it was for publicity reasons and that she was just trying to stay in the spotlight until her new album comes out. Maybe they should realize that by covering the story in the first place, she's already succeeded in drawing attention away from the important things in life and towards her.

Now I might have expected to see this kind of crap on eTalk Daily (don't get me started on that piece of shit excuse for a show. Everybody who thinks anything reported on that show is even mildly important should be shot out of a cannon into a black hole.) or Entertainment Tonight, but not fucking CTV NEWS.

Then again maybe I don't really hate TV. I mean I love Family Guy and The Simpsons and The Daily Show but hate almost everything else on TV, but I don't hate TV itself. I guess I should say I hate what's on TV at almost any given time.

This is odd

So apparently I'm in college or something now. I just finished my lab assignment in Fundamentals of Computers and decided to kill some time before I go meet my friend at 12:45. Might as well let you guys know what's up.

Today's first class at 8:30 was cancelled meaning I only had to come in at 10:00. So that's already putting me in a good mood. Then, we get assigned two really easy assignments involving copy/pasting definitions out of Windows' help file and writing a paragraph about 'why I chose Computer Science at Dawson'. So that's more good stuff. Then as soon as we finish that we're allowed to leave, meaning I could leave at anytime after 10:50. The lab actually finishes at noon so I only had to sit through half of the class. This happens in a lot of other courses where the teacher basically says "Umm, we're done. See you Thursday." and everybody looks around at each other for a few seconds before running towards the door. This is great.

On August 13th I was at Warped Tour on Ile St. Helene (I refuse to call it Ile Jean-Drapeau because I like the old name better). I'm not gonna go into the details about it now but I will tell you that it was beyond amazing. I think I have to make up a new word to describe it. Amazome. Like, amazing and awesome. The only pictures I took were of my feet when I got to my brother's house later on, but they haven't been developed yet. When I get them and scan them I'll try to write up a full report but until then just picture me getting dropkicked in the face because some fat girl thought she could crowdsurf but nobody could lift her and she got thrown in my direction.

Leave me alone

Yesterday while waiting for a bus some random woman made her way to the bench I was sitting on and exclaimed "Phew! Made it here in one piece!". I was the only one around so I couldn't just pretend to assume she's talking to someone else which is what I usually do when scary people try to talk to me so I had to fake a smile and a kind of nod type thing. Unfortunately I think this gave her the green light to start talking to me about the weather.

For the next 15 minutes she kept saying dumb things like "Damn this humidity" and "Oh, I just noticed the street lights aren't working. That must be why so many cars are speeding today" until I kind of pretended to be asleep. Then she figured she would try to catch my attention with "I wish it would snow just once in July. You know, something to give us a break from the sun. I had a friend once from Alaska, don't really remember their name, but they told me something once along the lines of 'Yeah it snows pretty much whenever it gets cold in Alaska' but then I thought to myself isn't it always cold in Alaska?" and laughed at it for like 5 minutes.

THANK GOD at this point it started raining relatively hard. Usually I would be angry if it started raining while I was waiting for a bus but this time it was like God himself was pissing on my shoulders. See, this forced the random hunk of meat that was currently talking to me to seek dryness inside the bus shelter. It wasn't raining too hard so I figured I could just sit in the rain and avoid talking to this scary lady while she was inside the shelter.

Of course even this master plan was thwarted when she commented, "Guess the rain doesn't bug you that much, eh?". Even with it raining and me quite clearly trying to ignore her she didn't give up. I replied "Well, as long as it's not raining too hard."

No more than 5 seconds later, it starts raining at least twice as hard. I realized I must look like an idiot to the guy that is crossing the street to come wait in the shelter. Oh well, at least I'm not being forced to talk to that buttertroll anymore. Once he showed up, she switched targets and I was alone for a bit. She tried talking to him but after about two minutes he left and took a bus across the street. Luckily she didn't try to make contact after that but it still sucked.

Then when we got on the bus she asks someone in the front "Can I sit there?" meaning the seat next to the lady she was asking. The lady gets up and walks to the middle of the bus without saying anything, and the crazy pyscho lady tries to say "Oh no you don't have to move I'll just sit right here!". I didn't say anything at that point but if there's one thing that lady DID have to do, it was move. There was no way in hell both of those people could fit in two seats side by side, with one of them taking up at LEAST one and a half seats. Don't kid yourself woman; you're fat. There's no way to pretend you aren't, so why don't you save yourself some trouble and admit it.

Halle Berry is fucking annoying

Am I the only one that doesn't give a shit about Halle or her new movie Catwoman? Not like it's a shock to anyone but apparently the movie did pretty badly at the box office. Jesus christ did that movie look like a vortex of shit or WHAT. Of course that doesn't stop eTalk Daily from trying to hype it.

Just before it was released the local entertainment news show tried to make people see it by showing clips from an interview spread over a few days. I think they split the interview into parts so that the intended target audience, who wouldn't remember anything past two hours before the show itself, would fail to realize that all the interview consisted of was Halle and one of the absolute worst human beings I have ever seen on TV talking about that goddamn whip and her leather outfit. I think whoever wrote the questions for the interview must have drank a gallon of LSD then scribbled down any question which might be interpreted as something related to cats. Here's the gist of it:

Awful man: DID YOU GET HURT WHILE USING THE WHIP? I BET YOU TOOK A LOT OF CATNAPS ON SET EH! THAT BLACK LEATHER SURE WAS SKIMPY, YOU CERTAINLY ARE A ROLE MODEL FOR ACTRESSES ALL OVER!!

Halle: YEAH FILMING WAS REALLY THE CAT'S MEOW!

AM: IF YOU REALLY HAD NINE LIVES, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN YOUR NEXT ONE?

H: EAT LOTS OF CATNIP HAHAHAH

AM: HEY WHEN YOU WERE USING THE WHIP DID YOU EVER FEEL SEXIER?

H: OH WELL I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT ON TELEVISION!

AM: WHAT'S THE MATTER? CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?!

H: OH YOU CARD! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNEXPECTED!

Me: GIVE ME CANCER NOW

Sorry to use caps but it's really necessary to show how fake the interview sounds. I think what E-Talk Daily did was just replace every word above with something similar in the thesarus, then play it on TV the next day and pass it off as a different interview. The only reason I sit through that shitheap of a show once in a while is to remind myself of why guns were invented.

That, and I really hate how everyone is like OMG HALLE BERRY IS SUCH A LEADER AND SHE'S A GOOD ROLE MODEL and shits their pants when there's nothing really special about her.

PS: whip