The Ultimate Guide to Telemarketing Fraud

Introduction
So for whatever reason, you're starting to show an interest in taking people's money. Congratulations. You're about to embark on a journey of persuasion, misplaced trust, flat-out lies and a little something I like to call "possible jail time". Not to mention a salary higher than minimum wage and cash bonuses for making more sales* than expected. Let's get started, shall we?

* The term "sale" when used in the context of telemarketing fraud does not imply that you have sold a client a product or service, but rather that you convinced them to give you money.

Getting started
The first step you must take towards becoming a successful telemarketer is finding an employer. Montreal seems to be a hotspot for telemarketing rings, but almost any major city in North America should have at least one call center willing to hire you.

If you are having trouble finding somebody willing to pay you for lying, a good place to ask around would be in a high school. Due to the fact that most telemarketing centers hire almost immediately without checking references or requiring previous experience, many of them are filled with 17-year-olds wanting to make some easy money. Almost any teenager would be able to point you in the right direction or to somebody else that can. If that fails, simply look in the newspaper for jobs in call centers. The vaguer the job description, the better.

Once you've found the perfect place to ensure you're going straight to Hell, the next step is the interview.

The Interview
This section will be absolutely useless to the common person. An interview for a telemarketing position generally consists of asking your name, and shortly after telling you that you're hired. As long as you don't stagger in the door stinking of dead animals and screaming obscenities, you're almost guaranteed a job. In fact, it might not make much of a difference either way.

There is only one good piece of advice you should follow during an interview. Do not, under any circumstances, mention the legality of the job. Your prospective employer has more important things to worry about than whether or not what he's doing (and soon enough, paying you to do) is "legal". Just remember the unofficial motto of telemarketing fraud: Don't ask, don't tell.

Getting Good at Lying to People
Convincing people to give you their personal information is not an easy task. Luckily, lying to people is a skill that improves drastically with practice. For about a week or so after getting the job you will spend most of your time stalling and stuttering while you try to think of a good enough answer to the questions which will inevitably pop up. Don't be discouraged. Soon enough people will be happy to give you their banking information. For the rest of the guide let's assume you are convincing potential clients that their banking information is stored in a database that your company is in charge of managing. The database is also accessible by other companies, which leaves their bank account at risk. Your job is to verify the information to confirm their identity, and mark the information for removal. Here are some general tips to help you out.

1. Be as vague as possible. The more details you leave out, the less likely it is that your "client" will realize that you're flat-out lying to them. The more time spent on the phone, the more time for them to think about what you're telling them. Keep it simple, stupid. "I'm calling to inform you that your banking information is in a computer system that many people have access to" works very well in most cases. If they ask what computer system specifically, don't rack your brain trying to think of a reasonable-sounding answer. Simply "a database used by many banks across the country" will usually do.
   
   Example:
   Them: "How did my information get into this system?"
   You: "We don't really know, sir, but we do know that it's in there and that we can remove it today with your cooperation."
   
2. Keep a quick pace throughout the entire call. Pauses in the conversation give them a chance to think, and this is simply not acceptable. If you must stall shortly to think of a response, start your sentence with "Well," or "You see," and use the short pause to do your thinking. A dead silence gives them an opportunity to ask questions which should be avoided at all costs.
   
   Example:
   Them: I'm not so sure about this. I'm going to go speak with my bank tomorrow.
   You: Well, sir, if you could just go grab your chequebook we could be done in a matter of minutes.
   
3. Be rude. Interrupt their questions with answers that don't answer anything. Cut them off before they refuse and tell them that if they refuse to cooperate you will be forced to leave their information in the computer system, and they don't want that to happen. Always remember that they don't know who you are or where you are calling from. This allows you to get away with almost anything.
   
   Example:
   Them: But I don't understand how my information-
   You (interrupting): Ma'am I already explained it to you. Now I need you to go get your chequebook to ensure that your information gets removed today.
   
4. Never lose track of your goal. If they ask several questions in a row or try to stall, constantly ask them to go get their chequebook. In fact, telling them to get their chequebook works much more effectively.
   
   Example:
   You: Do you have your chequebook nearby?
   Them: Yes, but can you please tell me what this is all about?
   You: As I said before, I'm calling to help you remove your personal banking information from our computer system. Now you said your chequebook was nearby, could you go grab it while I hold the line?
   Them: Why do I need a cheque?
   You: To simply confirm that you are the owner of the account in question. Now go get your chequebook while I hold.

Eventually the answers to the questions you will be asked start to come naturally. Practice makes perfect.

Advanced Techniques
Sometimes there are situations where you have to make a judgment call in order to proceed. Here are a few examples.

1. Being vague / being overly detailed. As I already mentioned, it's usually best to stay vague. This leaves less space open for inconsistencies in your story. When they ask questions you should be judging their tone of voice to see if they believe what you're saying, or are just trying to get you to slip up. If you are sure that you've got them convinced then you can go into as much detail as you want. This creates a false sense of trust between you and your "client". Pretend you're telling them information they usually wouldn't be getting, such as "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this but the information could have been accessed as recently as last week." This further portrays the illusion that you're trying to help them and makes them more likely to go get their chequebook.
   
2. Dealing with people who have been ripped off before. Every once in a while you may hear "The last time this happened we got ripped off 400$. What makes you think I'm about to fall for it again?" If you're lucky enough to work at a place that uses the banking information story, you can tell them how it's your job to do everything in your power so that they won't lose any more money. Otherwise, you now know that they're gullible enough to fall for almost anything. Use this opportunity to explain how your company is different because "they have a toll-free number for you to call if you have problems" or "we can't take your money unless you sign a cheque so there's nothing to worry about." Remember, they just admitted to you that they're not so bright. Take advantage of it.
   
3. For some reason I found women much easier to deal with and more gullible on the average. Maybe girls would find it easier to deal with men but I wouldn't know. Look for first names that indicate that the person is older than average, like Yolanda or Eugene or Gertrude. These people are the piggy banks of telemarketing fraud.

Conclusion
By now you should have people running for their chequebooks within a minute of picking up the phone. If you need a little help dealing with your conscience, well that's too bad and I'm not surprised.

And before the hate comes flooding in I'd like to explain that the point of this post isn't to teach people how to rip others off, it's to let people know that this type of thing is happening every day. That being said, feel free to tell me how I'm going to hell in the comments.