Shadows are fun.

This is the view from the end of my friend Matt's driveway.

The Ultimate Guide to Telemarketing Fraud

Introduction
So for whatever reason, you're starting to show an interest in taking people's money. Congratulations. You're about to embark on a journey of persuasion, misplaced trust, flat-out lies and a little something I like to call "possible jail time". Not to mention a salary higher than minimum wage and cash bonuses for making more sales* than expected. Let's get started, shall we?

* The term "sale" when used in the context of telemarketing fraud does not imply that you have sold a client a product or service, but rather that you convinced them to give you money.

Getting started
The first step you must take towards becoming a successful telemarketer is finding an employer. Montreal seems to be a hotspot for telemarketing rings, but almost any major city in North America should have at least one call center willing to hire you.

If you are having trouble finding somebody willing to pay you for lying, a good place to ask around would be in a high school. Due to the fact that most telemarketing centers hire almost immediately without checking references or requiring previous experience, many of them are filled with 17-year-olds wanting to make some easy money. Almost any teenager would be able to point you in the right direction or to somebody else that can. If that fails, simply look in the newspaper for jobs in call centers. The vaguer the job description, the better.

Once you've found the perfect place to ensure you're going straight to Hell, the next step is the interview.

The Interview
This section will be absolutely useless to the common person. An interview for a telemarketing position generally consists of asking your name, and shortly after telling you that you're hired. As long as you don't stagger in the door stinking of dead animals and screaming obscenities, you're almost guaranteed a job. In fact, it might not make much of a difference either way.

There is only one good piece of advice you should follow during an interview. Do not, under any circumstances, mention the legality of the job. Your prospective employer has more important things to worry about than whether or not what he's doing (and soon enough, paying you to do) is "legal". Just remember the unofficial motto of telemarketing fraud: Don't ask, don't tell.

Getting Good at Lying to People
Convincing people to give you their personal information is not an easy task. Luckily, lying to people is a skill that improves drastically with practice. For about a week or so after getting the job you will spend most of your time stalling and stuttering while you try to think of a good enough answer to the questions which will inevitably pop up. Don't be discouraged. Soon enough people will be happy to give you their banking information. For the rest of the guide let's assume you are convincing potential clients that their banking information is stored in a database that your company is in charge of managing. The database is also accessible by other companies, which leaves their bank account at risk. Your job is to verify the information to confirm their identity, and mark the information for removal. Here are some general tips to help you out.

1. Be as vague as possible. The more details you leave out, the less likely it is that your "client" will realize that you're flat-out lying to them. The more time spent on the phone, the more time for them to think about what you're telling them. Keep it simple, stupid. "I'm calling to inform you that your banking information is in a computer system that many people have access to" works very well in most cases. If they ask what computer system specifically, don't rack your brain trying to think of a reasonable-sounding answer. Simply "a database used by many banks across the country" will usually do.
   
   Example:
   Them: "How did my information get into this system?"
   You: "We don't really know, sir, but we do know that it's in there and that we can remove it today with your cooperation."
   
2. Keep a quick pace throughout the entire call. Pauses in the conversation give them a chance to think, and this is simply not acceptable. If you must stall shortly to think of a response, start your sentence with "Well," or "You see," and use the short pause to do your thinking. A dead silence gives them an opportunity to ask questions which should be avoided at all costs.
   
   Example:
   Them: I'm not so sure about this. I'm going to go speak with my bank tomorrow.
   You: Well, sir, if you could just go grab your chequebook we could be done in a matter of minutes.
   
3. Be rude. Interrupt their questions with answers that don't answer anything. Cut them off before they refuse and tell them that if they refuse to cooperate you will be forced to leave their information in the computer system, and they don't want that to happen. Always remember that they don't know who you are or where you are calling from. This allows you to get away with almost anything.
   
   Example:
   Them: But I don't understand how my information-
   You (interrupting): Ma'am I already explained it to you. Now I need you to go get your chequebook to ensure that your information gets removed today.
   
4. Never lose track of your goal. If they ask several questions in a row or try to stall, constantly ask them to go get their chequebook. In fact, telling them to get their chequebook works much more effectively.
   
   Example:
   You: Do you have your chequebook nearby?
   Them: Yes, but can you please tell me what this is all about?
   You: As I said before, I'm calling to help you remove your personal banking information from our computer system. Now you said your chequebook was nearby, could you go grab it while I hold the line?
   Them: Why do I need a cheque?
   You: To simply confirm that you are the owner of the account in question. Now go get your chequebook while I hold.

Eventually the answers to the questions you will be asked start to come naturally. Practice makes perfect.

Advanced Techniques
Sometimes there are situations where you have to make a judgment call in order to proceed. Here are a few examples.

1. Being vague / being overly detailed. As I already mentioned, it's usually best to stay vague. This leaves less space open for inconsistencies in your story. When they ask questions you should be judging their tone of voice to see if they believe what you're saying, or are just trying to get you to slip up. If you are sure that you've got them convinced then you can go into as much detail as you want. This creates a false sense of trust between you and your "client". Pretend you're telling them information they usually wouldn't be getting, such as "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this but the information could have been accessed as recently as last week." This further portrays the illusion that you're trying to help them and makes them more likely to go get their chequebook.
   
2. Dealing with people who have been ripped off before. Every once in a while you may hear "The last time this happened we got ripped off 400$. What makes you think I'm about to fall for it again?" If you're lucky enough to work at a place that uses the banking information story, you can tell them how it's your job to do everything in your power so that they won't lose any more money. Otherwise, you now know that they're gullible enough to fall for almost anything. Use this opportunity to explain how your company is different because "they have a toll-free number for you to call if you have problems" or "we can't take your money unless you sign a cheque so there's nothing to worry about." Remember, they just admitted to you that they're not so bright. Take advantage of it.
   
3. For some reason I found women much easier to deal with and more gullible on the average. Maybe girls would find it easier to deal with men but I wouldn't know. Look for first names that indicate that the person is older than average, like Yolanda or Eugene or Gertrude. These people are the piggy banks of telemarketing fraud.

Conclusion
By now you should have people running for their chequebooks within a minute of picking up the phone. If you need a little help dealing with your conscience, well that's too bad and I'm not surprised.

And before the hate comes flooding in I'd like to explain that the point of this post isn't to teach people how to rip others off, it's to let people know that this type of thing is happening every day. That being said, feel free to tell me how I'm going to hell in the comments.

What First Amendment?

Read this first.

I have to point out that it's sort of hard to pass judgment without reading the story he wrote first, but I'm going to do it anyway because I feel like it.

I was going to try to make this a well-thought out post about the absurdity of the situation but the more I think about it the more I realize that won't be happening.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? First off, the grandparents turned their grandson in over finding a story he wrote? What a pair of fucking loser grandparents. Why don't you old twats stick to giving us socks and sweaters rather than FELONY CHARGES. If my grandmother tried something like that with me she'd wake up with more than the daily recommended amount of broken hips.

Oh, and the story was about zombies. Could somebody please tell me how a fictional story about zombies taking over a high school could in any way be perceived as a terroristic threat? Zombies don't even EXIST. Is threatening to cast a spell on someone considered a threat these days? If I call up a school and announce "THERE IS A VAMPIRE IN THE BUILDING. MEET MY DEMANDS OR HE WILL SUCK THE BLOOD OF ONE HOSTAGE EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR", will I be taken seriously? I don't fucking think so. So why am I even hearing about this stupid zombie threat?

Somebody must have been scared shitless because not only is he being held for writing a story, but his bail has been raised "after prosecutors requested it, citing the seriousness of the charge". At this point words can't even express what I'm thinking so here are a bunch of letters in a half-random order that may help you get a grasp of what I think of this whole situation:

FUCKFUCKFUCKNOWHATHEFUCKSOFUCKING DUMBJUSTFUCKINGDIEALREYADFUCK WHOGIVESASHTIIFWHEWROTEABOUTUCKFUCZOMBIES SHITFUCKFUCK

That being said I'd like to demonstrate what many people around the world are being deprived of every day, free speech, in the only way I know how.

-- begin free speech
I believe that all people of any race other than my own are inferior to me in every way. They're even inferior at being inferior, which tells you a lot about how much I hate them. They aren't worth the bullet I'd like to put in each and every one of their foreheads.

Furthermore, gay people should be burned at the stake or at least stabbed on site. I am sexually aroused by rubber boots and cream cheese. The only thing I hate more than old people is babies, because they may some day grow into old people. Therefore I would like to nominate myself for presidency of the "Kill Everybody Except Me" club.

America is the biggest shitheap excuse for a country this world will ever see and if given the chance I would happily set it on fire. Everybody from America is by association an idiot and not worthy of the time of the guy whose job it is to tell people whether or not they are worthy of my time.

Telemarketing fraud is only possible because there are people stupid enough to fall for it. If people would stop believing almost everything upon hearing it and actually start realizing that giving out personal information concerning your goddamn MONEY over the phone is a stupid idea then telemarketing fraud couldn't exist, now could it? Until then I'm glad you got suckered out of 400$.

I, Jacob Young, have placed thermonuclear devices in several cities around world and will detonate them if I am not named Supreme Grand Leader Guy of Everything In This Universe and All Other Possible Universes Not Discovered Yet.

-- end free speech (but not really)

If anybody has any objections, complaints, suggestions, terroristic (apparently it's a word now) threats or questions, good for you.

American Justice

Not too long ago, somebody successfully sued two teenage girls for leaving cookies on their porch as a surprise. Yes, somebody was sued for giving somebody cookies. I didn't believe it at first either. At the time I wished there was something I could do to show the woman how amazingly selfish and stupid she was acting.

Looks like I didn't have to do anything.

Cameras make the best toys.

Generic title

Attention. The following things piss me off:

Stupidity. Not only stupidity in itself as everyone has stupid moments but the fact that stupidity is apparently a desired quality. People love to tell others how dumb they are rather than have an intelligent conversation. People have asked me, with straight faces, "Why do you waste your time watching documentaries?". Sorry, I guess I wasn't aware that choosing to learn on your own about whatever interests you was a waste of time. I also wasn't aware that what I choose to do on my time is any of your business. Anything that can be seen as educational is automatically hated by most younger people. I once sat quietly in class and read a book while my peers talked about how fucking wrecked they were on the weekend or how much they hate school solely for the point of hating it. People started making fun of me because I was reading. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. If you're going to waste your own time in school, then try to stop others from learning and wonder why you fail your tests, why don't you just stay in your goddamn house.

Bandwagon rebellion. All of a sudden it's cool to hate police officers for no reason. Cops have one of the worst fucking jobs in the world. They have to deal with strung-out homeless people, intoxicated criminals and god knows what all the time. This alone should make people respect police officers to a certain extent, but it doesn't. It's a growing trend among teens to hate cops. The police are not our fucking enemy. Stop pretending you're a gangster with a pure hatred for police and shut your fucking mouth. I asked somebody why they hated cops so much and they could only come up with "Because they don't let me smoke weed." Well boohoo, you're not the first person to get hassled by "the Man". Instead of whining like a baby and hating people for the sole reason that they are doing their JOB, why don't you write a letter to a politician urging them to change drug laws. Oh, that's right. Writing a letter might make you look smart and you definitely don't want to do that.

Hysteria. There's a big fuss in the states right now over a father who shined a laser pointer into an airplane's cockpit while pointing it into the sky with his daughter. He now faces up to 25 years in prison. Am I the only one that doesn't see a crime being commited? Temporarily blinding somebody is just being mildly annoying. It's not a crime to be annoying. If it was, most celebrities would be rotting in prison right now. The states think that shining a strong light into the cockpit of a MOVING AIRLINER could cause it to crash. Even if somebody could somehow keep the light focused into the eyes of the pilots while the plane moves at an ungodly speed through the air, such an evil and well-planned terrorist attack could be countered by... oh, I don't know. MOVING YOUR FACE A CENTIMETRE TO THE LEFT? Putting your hand up to block the light? It's really depressing to watch a nation of people allow their rights to be taken away from them in the name of safety. Duct tape is one of the best ways to tie people up quickly and effectively if you were hijacking a plane. Why hasn't duct tape been made illegal? I mean, if you are going to tell people they are not allowed to smoke God's plants in their own homes, why stop there? Why not ban cigarettes, which have been proven hundreds of times to be addictive in the worst sense of the word, give you cancer (not only you, but your children who don't even smoke, as well) and instantly cause rooms to smell like somebody died? Oh, that's right. It's because cigarettes make money. My mistake.

Tsunamis. Why couldn't they hit the United States more often? I'd like to see them invade the Pacific Ocean in retaliation.

Artificial happiness

I'm pretty sure I may have discovered an alternative to Prozac. If this gets out the pharmaceutical companies might have me assassinated.

Just put a t-shirt in the dryer by itself for about 10 minutes, then as soon as the dryer cycle finishes open the door as fast as possible and put the t-shirt on. As long as the normal climate where you live isn't above ten million degrees celsius every day, a warm t-shirt will make you happy no matter what. It's even better in the winter. Spend the entire day in your boxers shivering and complaining about the heat, then when you are about to go to bed put on a freshly warmed shirt and jump into bed. If you're still either cold or cranky after that, well then go fuck yourself because you're hopeless.

Quick Recap

• America fails to impress the world, again
• Bush sucks, still
• Cameramen who show the world what war is really like deserve to be shot by their own country, apparently

I wasn't aware that a cameraman doing his job was a threat to our country. When stuff like this happens, I don't know whether I should be thankful or sad. Of course it's sad to know soldiers are killing unarmed people across the world, but every time it happens I hope that people will start to wake up and realize that war isn't a game. For the people that think the marine is an evil man, a scumbag, a cold-hearted killer, ask yourselves what you would do if YOU were in his shoes. Assuming, of course, you weren't already dead or injured. When it's a choice between risking your life and immediately securing your safety, you don't have time to think about "morals". I don't support the war or the kiling of unarmed, wounded people but I'd probably be lying if I told you I wouldn't have done the same thing.

This is a WAR. Not a debate, not a tea party, not a after-school fistfight. In wars, people kill other people. It's a lot easier to say you're liberating a country when you don't know what's really going on, isn't it? All of a sudden the truth comes out and not only is the bearer of bad news condemned, but people are quick to blast the marine in question. Let me tell you the simple truth. PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS "NICE" AND DO NOT ALWAYS FOLLOW THE "RULES". I'm pretty sure that's the general reason behind going to war in the first place. What makes anybody think that their country is an exception to human nature?

As much as I wish these things didn't happen, I learned that the sooner I accept the fact that they always have happened and always will, the sooner I can form a more realistic opinion. I just wish more people would stop seeing things in black and white.

On a less serious note, I quit my job because they put me on commission and that place in general sucked a lot of ass. If anybody ever calls you and asks you to grab your checkbook to verify your identity so that they can remove your banking account information from a computer system that other people have access to, just hang up on them.

Oh and I just found this valuable lesson on everybody's favorite drug propaganda website:

one day i was walking along and i saw sum people smoking sumthing, it smelt funny, and sum1 sed it was tea, and that it felt real cool 2 smoke, so i tried smoking tea at home, but got really sick, ive also tried sniffing vitafresh powder bcause sum1 said it got u high, but i got sick again, my parents werent happy,so ive stopped taking drugs. take notice of my warnings, stay away from drugs if u dont wana get sick i know from my drug experience

Don't smoke tea, you goddamn moron.

FINALLY

So yeah, my DSL modem just lit up and as soon as I get the username and password from Look, I'll be back up on interweb with all you fine people.

Oh and be sure to watch The Daily Show this week, what with all the electing going on right now it ought to be entertaining.