Friday, November 4

Eric

Saturday night. So there I am sitting on the 207, right? On my way to a friend's house for a party. I'm sitting towards the back of the bus and I vaguely notice a black guy get on the bus and sit in the back, but just out of my sight. Ten minutes later the guy decides he wants to get to know me better and comes and sits next to me.

Okay, stop. Now I know I said "next to" me but it was really more of a combination of "next to" and "on top of". His left leg was pressed firmly against mine and he was leaning in towards me. I immediately look him right in the eye to see if he's trying to get my attention or something. So after three seconds of direct eye contact without him saying anything and still pressing his leg against me, I take it upon myself to inquire into his intentions.

"What the fuck are you doing?" What can I say, I like to get to the point.

He stares directly at me for another second or two before managing to mumble out, "Uh, wait, you're not a girl?" HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

I take a moment to ponder the infinitely complex question this African-American stranger has put forth to me. After a few moments of intense calculation and reasoning the best answer I can come up with is "Ummm, no." This answer seemed to arouse my new friend, as the next thing I see him doing is flicking his tongue at me. Okay, things are getting fucking creepy now. I guess my vacant/confused stare triggered something in this guy's head that something about the situation wasn't right, because he then went about trying to double-check everything we've went over so far.

"Are you sure?" Fucking Christ. Yeah, buddy, I'm sure. I mean, I was a guy last time I checked but who knows what's changed since then so let me just stick my hand down my pants and make sure just for you. It's around this point I start to figure things out and ask the first relevant question of the night. "Are you like really drunk or something?" He shakes his head no. "Did you take something?" He shakes his head yes. PROGRESS! Now you might think after being asked if you've taken something, you might just figure it out to tell the person what it was. But no, I had to ask him. "What did you take?" Finally it fucking comes out that this guy is tripping on mushrooms. I politely inform him that he should have told me that from the beginning as it would have made for an overall less awkward situation. Then I realize that he thought I was a girl at first and was trying to hit on me, so he's either lying about being on mushrooms or he's tripping pretty fucking hard. He was also still pressing up against me and he did look sort of out of it so I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

During the course of the bus ride I got his name and e-mail address so I can talk to him online and see if he remembers any of it. Eric also invited me to his house for his mom's cooking somewhere along the way. I declined.

Anyway the 207 brings us to Fairview Terminus where I have to go take another bus to get to my friend's house. I sit on a planter to wait for the bus and lo and behold Eric comes to wait at the same spot. As I'm sitting down he stands in front of me and presses his kneecaps against mine and leans in towards me. Of course in any other situation, an older guy who I just met actively pursuing physical contact would scare the shit out of me, but who knows what the fuck goes through your head when you're tripping so I let him have his fun. He does this for about a minute before getting bored and sitting down in between me and this girl who's talking on her cell phone while waiting for the bus.

Seeing as how I only met him minutes ago I don't really pay him much attention while he's sitting next to me. He's no longer hitting on me or touching me so I take advantage of the situation by zoning out and staring into space like I often do while waiting for the bus. That is, until I hear the girl who was sitting on the other side of Eric asking, "Excuse me? Hello? Were you talking to me? What did you just say?" I look over and surprise surprise Eric is staring directly into her eyes mumbling something about "hi what's your name your lips are real shiny".

For a split second I thought of letting her deal with him on her own. I could chose to pretend to not know him, do absolutely nothing and eavesdrop on what I am sure is going to be the most hilariously awkward conversation I've ever eavesdropped on. Of course this master plan is ruined when I remember that Eric was just pushing up against me right next to this girl. She must think we are here together and will probably either end up asking me what's going on with my friend anyway.

Actually, about my "friend". You might be wondering exactly how he was acting. I mean, he was obviously acting weird enough for me to notice something was up but I had the benefit of being mistaken for a girl as a red flag. It's not the first time it's happened, mind you, but when he sat down right fucking next to me and looked me in the face and asked me "Are you sure?" it kind of clicked in my head. Other than that, though, the first thing you'd notice about him was the way he'd stare vacantly while talking. He wasn't violent or jumpy or hyper or anything like that, but rather too mellow and relaxed to take seriously. Oh, and he also had a tendency to lean in towards you just a little too close for comfort. He was able to answer questions without going on rants about the cosmic intergalactic uniqueness of our entity that is linked by all living beings and blah blah blah so there was very little indication that he was intoxicated, let alone on a hallucinogen. By the way he had told me he took "three big caps" of mushrooms at an afterhours near Berri-UQAM metro. We were now at Fairview Terminus and he was by himself the entire time. He also told me he was 26. Make of that what you will.

After a short staring contest with Eric, the girl looks at me as if to say "what the hell is going on please save me with your gigantic, rippling muscles" so I explain the situation as best I can. "Don't look at me, I just met him five minutes ago. He said he was on mushrooms." Well what do you know, she doesn't really believe me so I have to spend the next five minutes telling the first half of this story five minutes after it happened. Eric fills in the gaps in my story by staring and nodding in agreement. The girl tells us she's done mushrooms before and can sort of understand so she was pretty cool with it. Anyway Eric leaves to go take his bus and the girl tells me that she had seen us pushing our legs together so she figured we were a couple. Then, upon closer inspection we're both guys so she figures we're gay. Then Eric decides to start hitting on her so she figured we were swingers or something. Once I told her he was on mushrooms she thought we were playing a joke on her. And I think I forgot to mention that while Eric was there she was explaining the situation to her boyfriend who was on the phone as I was explaining it to her.

I then proceeded to go to the party and tell this story several times over the course of the night. Now I never have to tell it again.

6 comments:

stoney said...

are you a little rubix cube girl? aw are u a rubix cube girl:)? AW WTF YOU HAVE CHIN HAIR YOU'RE NOT A GIRL!

D34dPuPpY said...

ya but was he cute at least?

Anonymous said...

tank gawd it worked out just as a funny story an not sumthin scarey ass.

D34dPuPpy said...

Yes, you are quite lucky to have survived this chance meeting intact. It also proves that I can construct a coherent post if I wish.
u rool dood

Bleach The infamous strawberry said...

its an awkward funny story, and its always funny tell, but not really to experience.
you should update more often!

MessedRocker said...

I certainly hope this is not generic Canada behavior!

(By the way, if you want to comment on any of my b0ners, you can e-mail me: messedrocker at gmail. I disabled comment posting because of fscking spammers.)